The Natural

My soul, so tired of trudging through the daily routine is feeling empty.  The drudgery of facing each day with the same old happenings and no fire in the furnace leaves me hollow.  Where can I find a spark?  How do I feel the spirit of inspiration?

Today, I stepped into a world of enchantment.  I was shocked and overwhelmed at what greeted me at the door.  As I entered, I smelled a familiar scent that awakened my other senses.  It immediately engaged my mind, asking it to notice and rejoice in the offerings of such a joyful world.  The cement that held my eyes tightly closed to the mystical had suddenly been loosened.  There, before me, lay intense pigmentations  of trees and leaves.  The fountain of outpouring tears of happiness cascaded throughout the landscape, giving the sense of hearing a bountiful, flowing treat.  As I ventured through this forest of extraordinary beauty, I breathed in a spirit that filled my lungs with life-giving tranquility.  It has  been said that the breath brings us serenity.  I inhaled the miraculous spirit that I seemed to have lost.

My body has been an empty furnace searching for it’s spark.  My soul has ached to feel the spirit within.  Today I stepped out, into the world and onto the path that I have walked before.  I sauntered into a church that I have always known but somehow kept myself away from.  Today, I entered the church of nature and I felt life breathed back into my body as if I was being risen from the dead.  First came the tiny spark and within moments I felt the flame of spirit within me.  At that moment I felt weightless and alive, filled with peace and inspiration.  In one tiny moment, it all came back to me.

The truth is that my God has never left me.  His spirit is in me.  I took life for granted and lost sight of my inner light and with one step into the natural world , my awakened self was restored.  All that I long for exists here within.

Never Say Never

I believe that in life if you don’t get the lesson the first time, you get to do it over and over again until you get it right.  I never realized how true that was until it really hit me in the face.

I have evolved ,over the years, into a completely different person.  I am but a shadow of my former self and that is very good news.  Not that I was a bad person, but I was a very hurt and broken person.  My daily decisions were all based in fear, anger and low self-esteem.  I was broken by the sudden loss of my father when I was 17.  It was sudden, completely unexpected, especially for a man of 48 years old.  He had been out of work for a solid year and finally got a new job.  He was a truck driver.  On his very first day of work, he was excited to be able to get financially stable once again.  On that very day, he never came home again.  He died of a heart attack while unloading that truck.

My world changed and I went into a tailspin of deep depression.  My life choices were made out of fear of being alone; out of fear of losing another; out of fear of not having someone to take care of me.  I got married at the age of 18.  I was so naive, just a child actually.  I was scratching my way through the muck of life with no direction.  I had two sons from that marriage that ended in divorce after nine years.  I was low-spirited for that period of my life.  My children didn’t know that.  They just needed me to be a Mom and I gave it my best with what I had to work with.  At that point in time, I had not evolved into anything but a sorrowful, depressed young woman and unfortunately that is what I gave to my boys.  I remarried and had a daughter with my second husband.  I felt that  was my chance to start over and use previous experiences to grow and to raise my children.  It was all so fresh and new.  But, I still carried the sadness and fear and depression with me.  Since that was what I had, that is what I once again given to my children.  Don’t get me wrong, I was the best mother that I could be.  My children were well cared for and loved but I wasn’t able to give them the best version of me because I hadn’t met her yet.

I raised my kids and felt that I was mothering them pretty well.  The struggles of raising kids never ends.  You’re always trying to teach them lessons and show them the way.  I made so many mistakes along the way.  I was rigid and expected them to grow with the rules that I grew up with.  I was unrelenting in my high expectations of children that were so young.  I look back now and wonder to myself, “What was I thinking?”.   I was so involved in the “rules” that I couldn’t see that I wasn’t allowing for the fact that they were children and so they should be able to act like children.

I have always been a searcher, meaning that I was a soul-searcher.  As I grew, I learned more and more to allow my spirituality to help me raise my children.  But, that took a long time and my kids were getting older and turning into teenagers and young adults.  I have to say that my children are 5 years apart.  I was one person when I had my first child at the age of 20 and a completely different person when I had my second child at the age of 25 and then again changed when I had my third child at the age of 30.  I was evolving at a slow rate.  I was finding that problems were getting bigger with my kids and I was not equipped to handle them.  I was still allowing fear, sadness and anger to guide my life.  Looking back now and seeing the mistakes I made just makes me cringe with sadness.

Now at the age of 57, it all seems so clear as does most things when looking in the rearview mirror.

My second marriage ended in divorce after 15 years.  I moved on to a new relationship and at that point, my daughter was 14.  The boys were adults then and I had grandchildren.  Still, at that point, I was not seeing the true needs of my daughter.  Again, she was well cared for but I was overlooking the most important things.  I was missing what her feelings were and what she was going through.  I was on a new journey and she was along for the ride.

While all this was going on, I eventually had a nervous breakdown and was forced into therapy.  I thought it was the worst day of my life but it turned out to be the best day.  I gave in and sought therapy and healed through hard work, blood, sweat and tears.  I finally healed from the loss of my father.  His death was 33 years before this.  So much healing took place with that year of therapy.  I learned how to communicate with my daughter and I learned how to stand up for myself and look at the world with more loving eyes as the sadness began to roll away. I allowed myself to be accountable for all the mistakes I made while raising my children.  I spoke with each one individually and acknowledge my mistakes and asked them to share with me the things that I had done that hurt them so much.  I apologized to each of them.  I learned so much about myself at that point in my life.

My evolution at that point was monumental but I had another surprise in store for me that I didn’t see coming.  My boyfriend has a daughter that is 8 years younger than my daughter.  All this time she lived with her mother until her mother’s circumstances changed and his daughter came to live with us at the young age of 14.  Wow, I thought I could handle taking care of a 14 year old.  I had done it 3 times and now had grandchildren; a lot of experience under my belt.  Once again, my eyes were opened.  This child was different, I was different.  The “rules” that I had raised my children with weren’t working.  I suddenly became that same old rigid mother type again.  What was I thinking?

I guess I didn’t get the full lesson after raising three children and grandchildren so, I got to do it again.  My step-daughter and I went on a journey together.  We learned together what worked and what didn’t work.  I learned to not be so rigid and to acknowledge when I was being unreasonable and apologize.  She began to respond positively and we grew a bond with each other.  Today, as she is now 19 years old, we live in a very peaceful environment.  We work together to achieve peace in the house.  We have compromised with each other about our daily habits and life is good.

I remember saying very adamantly, “I’m never going to raise anyone else’s kids.”  I so forcefully put that out into the universe and the universe heard me and responded with another chance to get the lesson.

Never say never!

 

In Sickness and In Health

I’m tired today.  My body is aching and I haven’t felt well recently.  I go through these stages at different times.  I have illnesses but truly I am a healthy soul.  The body is going to do things we don’t want it to do.  It’s going to break down at some point because it is just a temporary housing for our soul.

Although, I am sick according to doctors, I am a healthy being, true and perfect as I was created.  The source of my light and life abide within me.  How could I be less than perfect?

So, today is an off day for my body.  Even though we have emotions and moods it doesn’t mean that we are not well.  Today I can choose to be sick in body and spirit or I can accept that my body is sick, but my spirit is “A” okay.

It’s easy to have a tendency to just give up the day to sadness and self pity because I am not feeling well,  but the truth of the matter is we are all really doing fine.  When we don’t feel well, we have to take time to breathe and hear the voice of God within.  We do this because it can keep us from identifying with our illness.  We are not our illness.  We are not a disease.  At these times we can stop and peel back some layers so that we can see more clearly who we are.  It may take some practice because we have to quiet our minds from the noise of our thoughts.

I have always referred to myself as a searcher.  I grew up as a practicing Catholic and them moved on to a Mennonite church for a while.  After that, I was familiarized with the Native American way.  I’ve always wanted to learn more spiritually.  I’ve wanted to connect with others in a more Christian way.  As I have journeyed on this path, I’ve picked up so many lessons.  I have learned to not identify with my circumstances and the results have been amazing.

My body has a disease called multiple sclerosis and when I first was diagnosed with it, I fell apart.  I was a mess physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I say spiritually because I was not in tune with God as the source of my being.  I knew God but didn’t realize he exists in me.  Physically, I let it get the best of me and wallowed in the sadness and grief that had been given to me.  When I think about it now I almost have to laugh to think that I am so special that a disease was “given” to me.  Given by who?

I do not believe that illness is given to anybody.  Life happens and it’s nobody’s fault.  I can’t blame God because I got MS.  He didn’t give it to me.  We live in a world with a lot of people.  There’s disease, illness, sadness, grief, loneliness and sorrow.  But, nobody gave any of that to me or to you.  It’s just part of being human.

I am human and my body is susceptible to any number of things going wrong.  There’s a lot going on in there;  cells and veins and moving things like lungs and air and hearts and pumping.  Germs get picked up and bodies react a certain way.  No, I am not special.  Every person has all of this going on.

I don’t want to wallow in sickness when I have the most prodigious spirit residing in this capsule I call a body.

The thing that makes me special and every single other being in this world is the Holy Spirit that is our source and our light.  How could we be anything other than amazing when the very thing that gives us life and light is at the core of our being?

I’m going to rest my body today and work with it.  I don’t have to be sad or in a miserable mood because it’s an off day.  It’s really not an off day.  It’s just a day and My spirit is still here, teaching me and allowing me to breathe with this particular body and when it is time to release this body, I will still be alive as the same perfect being as I was created.