The Eagle Soars

Yesterday morning I had to make a trip to my hometown which is about an hour and a half away.  Before I left the house, I had my morning coffee while scrolling through facebook.  My memory feed came up first and it contained a memory and pictures from 3 years ago of my sister’s funeral.  I looked at those pictures and the feelings from that day rushed through me.  I remembered every thought, feeling and emotion from that day.  There was so much sadness but in between there was our family joined together with love and laughter, sadness and tears.  I remembered the way everything was laid out at the service and felt my sister’s presence in each item of rememberance. I could see her hands touching each one of those items as she left her imprint to be passed along.

I finshed my coffee and proceeded to get ready for the trip without any more thought to the symbolism of the day.  As I ventured out on the road, something happened.  A bald eagle flew over my car, circled back around and flew alongside my car as I drove the highway.  He was flying very low so I didn’t have to look up in the sky as it were to see him.  He was traveling with me.

My sister had grown spiritually  in the environment of the Native American Community.  Her beliefs were grounded in the Great spirit and Creator of us all.  Although being raised Catholic, she found her home in the Native American Way.  She welcomed me and our family to share in her spiritual journey on this path.  I accepted with open heart and mind and have found much growth, love and peace along the way.

On that morning, my sister’s spirit visited me as that eagle came in my path for a quick hello.  I knew immediately that it was her.  I didn’t hesitate to say hi to her as she let me know once again that she is flying with the Great Spirit and she is very near to me always.  An incredible comfort and peace,  along with excitement came to me at that moment.

When I got to my destination, I visited with my mom and brother and sister-in-law and shared the happenings of the morning.  Every one of them knew it was our beloved making a quick, unmistakable appearance and it lifted us all in joy.  At this time of year, it seems that out of the blue, friends and family are all having their own eagle sightings.  It is clear to us that our spirit guides, our friends and family from our heavenly home are with us always.

I find peace in knowing that our dearly departed haven’t left us at all.  I believe they walk with us and give us signs that they are near.  I am grateful today for this visit from my sister.  It seems that just last week, she visited her daughter and our dear friend in Michigan.  She once again comforts us and tells us that we are never alone.

Shine Brighter

The other day I was out and about running errands and I had this experience where I felt like I was standing outside myself, observing my surroundings and the people moving about.  It was kind of weird and pretty cool at the same time.  Throughout my self-awareness journey, I have heard countless teachers mention that you have to be the observer of your own life.  When in that state, you are not operating in the egoic mind.  Does that mean that I have achieved something on that day?

Although it was an interesting experience, it only lasted for a short moment and I continued on with my day.  But, the experience itself stayed with me and I stayed conscious of the fact that it did happen.  I ask myself, ” What could the meaning of that moment be?”  I am finding that more and more people are becoming awakened to the spirit of the universe.  In my mind, I consider that to be the Holy Spirit.  As I have mentioned before, I’ve read so many books, taken classes and watched videos about self awareness.  Ever since I started Blogging, I’ve noticed that  I am encountering more and more like-minded souls out there.  This demonstrates the fact that the world is awakening from an abysmal slumber where people operated on a level of puppetry.  We have been wandering around aimlessly and willingly accepting interpretations of what life’s purpose should be from generations upon generations of pain and suffering.  The sins of the father seem to pass down and through lifetimes of willing recipients.  There are cycles of conditioning that move through us and so we share that dysfunction with our children and grandchildren and so on.

On this day, in the year 2018, things are changing.  Cycles are being broken and new thought patterns are being wired into the physical brain because somewhere along the line of generations, someone had a form of insight that maybe things were not what they were being conveyed as.  Someone decided to question certain attributes of their religion or their culture or their family.  All it takes is one person to change the dynamics of any situation imaginable.  Just one different thought pattern, just one simple question at a time, just one tiny difference can jolt us out of our dormancy and bring us into a light that we’ve never experienced before.

I believe that I may have experienced that light.   My awareness in that moment expanded to a different level.  I had a glimpse of clarity and it changed the dynamic of my thought process.  I can only imagine what would happen if this experience I had,  moved from one moment to several and so forth.

Imagine the result of  my tiny, little moment of consciousness being magnified by millions of people.  It only takes a spark to get a fire going.  We are on a path of awakening and I can feel the acceleration of awareness around me.

I am on this journey along with so many others.  We are all at different levels of consciousness.  As we journey together, the light is beginning to shine brighter and brighter and I believe that it is becoming impossible to ignore such a bright light.

 

 

Contrast

I read many self help books and I watch a ton of videos about meditation and such.  I try to surround myself with positivity.  It all sounds so Zen, doesn’t it?  Granted, I work hard at soul-searching and self growth, but I’m as human as the next person.  I like laughing at stupid jokes, drinking a glass of wine until I’m silly and acting like a kid.  Being spiritual doesn’t mean being a stick in the mud and it doesn’t mean being a perfect being at all times either.

While I was raising my kids, I was very strict.  Everything was black and white.  I was so rigid and the kids knew their place and they followed suit.  I look back now and wonder , who in the world was that person calling the shots?  I don’t recognize her.   I don’t think I could live with her anymore.  With that being said, I find little shades of that person peek through me at times.  Yes, those stubborn, black and white thoughts are ingrained in me and they rear their ugly heads from time to time.  Thankfully I am able to recognize her when she comes calling.  But, honestly, there are times when she stays around a little longer than I would like to admit.  I get stuck on technicalities such as being in a bad mood because they didn’t put the dishes in the dishwasher, they didn’t replace the empty roll of toilet paper, they left the mess for me to pick up.  Such trivial things to waste my energy on and I know better, yet I still do it.  The big test for me right now is this 8 month old puppy of mine.  I find myself losing patience and reacting in negative ways that only frustrate me and the dog.

There’s a difference now, though.  I am able to at least recognize the creature from within.  I’m not always able to put her away immediately but recognizing her is a result of the time spent in soul-searching and self-growth.  Meditation calms me down and brings me to a peaceful place to springboard off of into my day.  It helps me to realize that I am not that creature from within and that changes the chain of events that follow the crazy hysteria.  All of the spiritual work, self-help, positivity training that I do will not make me a perfect person.  Perfection is unrealistic anyway.  It’s not attainable, it’s a fallacy that we tell ourselves.  I don’t try to be perfect.  I try to be better. I want to be a better version of myself.

I think sometimes we put expectations on people that we call gurus and spiritual teachers.  These people are human just like me.  They are not perfect and don’t claim to be.  (most of them anyway).  They’ve learned a way to find the better version of themselves and are sharing what they have found.  Isn’t that what we call purpose?

I’m never going to be happy, excited, loving all the time.  It’s actually not natural to be.  I’m going to be sad, depressed, angry, lonely at times too.  All of these emotions are what balance us out as humans.  These feelings are meant to be felt and acknowledged and allowed to pass through us.  It’s the contrast of life that makes us appreciate everything.  One thing that I’ve learned is that it’s okay to visit all these emotions for a time but I just don’t want to take up residence in any one place for too long.  I’ll end up missing out on true living, growth and love.  But, it’s possible to visit all these emotions while being in a state of deep love within.  When we live in true love, that is, joy, peace, calm, compassion, empathy, we are able to live our daily lives with an innate knowing that we are perfect as we were created to be.  Perfect, not in the sense of actions or reactions but perfect in the sense that deep within our core resides God.  You can’t get more perfect than that.

 

The Natural

My soul, so tired of trudging through the daily routine is feeling empty.  The drudgery of facing each day with the same old happenings and no fire in the furnace leaves me hollow.  Where can I find a spark?  How do I feel the spirit of inspiration?

Today, I stepped into a world of enchantment.  I was shocked and overwhelmed at what greeted me at the door.  As I entered, I smelled a familiar scent that awakened my other senses.  It immediately engaged my mind, asking it to notice and rejoice in the offerings of such a joyful world.  The cement that held my eyes tightly closed to the mystical had suddenly been loosened.  There, before me, lay intense pigmentations  of trees and leaves.  The fountain of outpouring tears of happiness cascaded throughout the landscape, giving the sense of hearing a bountiful, flowing treat.  As I ventured through this forest of extraordinary beauty, I breathed in a spirit that filled my lungs with life-giving tranquility.  It has  been said that the breath brings us serenity.  I inhaled the miraculous spirit that I seemed to have lost.

My body has been an empty furnace searching for it’s spark.  My soul has ached to feel the spirit within.  Today I stepped out, into the world and onto the path that I have walked before.  I sauntered into a church that I have always known but somehow kept myself away from.  Today, I entered the church of nature and I felt life breathed back into my body as if I was being risen from the dead.  First came the tiny spark and within moments I felt the flame of spirit within me.  At that moment I felt weightless and alive, filled with peace and inspiration.  In one tiny moment, it all came back to me.

The truth is that my God has never left me.  His spirit is in me.  I took life for granted and lost sight of my inner light and with one step into the natural world , my awakened self was restored.  All that I long for exists here within.

Never Say Never

I believe that in life if you don’t get the lesson the first time, you get to do it over and over again until you get it right.  I never realized how true that was until it really hit me in the face.

I have evolved ,over the years, into a completely different person.  I am but a shadow of my former self and that is very good news.  Not that I was a bad person, but I was a very hurt and broken person.  My daily decisions were all based in fear, anger and low self-esteem.  I was broken by the sudden loss of my father when I was 17.  It was sudden, completely unexpected, especially for a man of 48 years old.  He had been out of work for a solid year and finally got a new job.  He was a truck driver.  On his very first day of work, he was excited to be able to get financially stable once again.  On that very day, he never came home again.  He died of a heart attack while unloading that truck.

My world changed and I went into a tailspin of deep depression.  My life choices were made out of fear of being alone; out of fear of losing another; out of fear of not having someone to take care of me.  I got married at the age of 18.  I was so naive, just a child actually.  I was scratching my way through the muck of life with no direction.  I had two sons from that marriage that ended in divorce after nine years.  I was low-spirited for that period of my life.  My children didn’t know that.  They just needed me to be a Mom and I gave it my best with what I had to work with.  At that point in time, I had not evolved into anything but a sorrowful, depressed young woman and unfortunately that is what I gave to my boys.  I remarried and had a daughter with my second husband.  I felt that  was my chance to start over and use previous experiences to grow and to raise my children.  It was all so fresh and new.  But, I still carried the sadness and fear and depression with me.  Since that was what I had, that is what I once again given to my children.  Don’t get me wrong, I was the best mother that I could be.  My children were well cared for and loved but I wasn’t able to give them the best version of me because I hadn’t met her yet.

I raised my kids and felt that I was mothering them pretty well.  The struggles of raising kids never ends.  You’re always trying to teach them lessons and show them the way.  I made so many mistakes along the way.  I was rigid and expected them to grow with the rules that I grew up with.  I was unrelenting in my high expectations of children that were so young.  I look back now and wonder to myself, “What was I thinking?”.   I was so involved in the “rules” that I couldn’t see that I wasn’t allowing for the fact that they were children and so they should be able to act like children.

I have always been a searcher, meaning that I was a soul-searcher.  As I grew, I learned more and more to allow my spirituality to help me raise my children.  But, that took a long time and my kids were getting older and turning into teenagers and young adults.  I have to say that my children are 5 years apart.  I was one person when I had my first child at the age of 20 and a completely different person when I had my second child at the age of 25 and then again changed when I had my third child at the age of 30.  I was evolving at a slow rate.  I was finding that problems were getting bigger with my kids and I was not equipped to handle them.  I was still allowing fear, sadness and anger to guide my life.  Looking back now and seeing the mistakes I made just makes me cringe with sadness.

Now at the age of 57, it all seems so clear as does most things when looking in the rearview mirror.

My second marriage ended in divorce after 15 years.  I moved on to a new relationship and at that point, my daughter was 14.  The boys were adults then and I had grandchildren.  Still, at that point, I was not seeing the true needs of my daughter.  Again, she was well cared for but I was overlooking the most important things.  I was missing what her feelings were and what she was going through.  I was on a new journey and she was along for the ride.

While all this was going on, I eventually had a nervous breakdown and was forced into therapy.  I thought it was the worst day of my life but it turned out to be the best day.  I gave in and sought therapy and healed through hard work, blood, sweat and tears.  I finally healed from the loss of my father.  His death was 33 years before this.  So much healing took place with that year of therapy.  I learned how to communicate with my daughter and I learned how to stand up for myself and look at the world with more loving eyes as the sadness began to roll away. I allowed myself to be accountable for all the mistakes I made while raising my children.  I spoke with each one individually and acknowledge my mistakes and asked them to share with me the things that I had done that hurt them so much.  I apologized to each of them.  I learned so much about myself at that point in my life.

My evolution at that point was monumental but I had another surprise in store for me that I didn’t see coming.  My boyfriend has a daughter that is 8 years younger than my daughter.  All this time she lived with her mother until her mother’s circumstances changed and his daughter came to live with us at the young age of 14.  Wow, I thought I could handle taking care of a 14 year old.  I had done it 3 times and now had grandchildren; a lot of experience under my belt.  Once again, my eyes were opened.  This child was different, I was different.  The “rules” that I had raised my children with weren’t working.  I suddenly became that same old rigid mother type again.  What was I thinking?

I guess I didn’t get the full lesson after raising three children and grandchildren so, I got to do it again.  My step-daughter and I went on a journey together.  We learned together what worked and what didn’t work.  I learned to not be so rigid and to acknowledge when I was being unreasonable and apologize.  She began to respond positively and we grew a bond with each other.  Today, as she is now 19 years old, we live in a very peaceful environment.  We work together to achieve peace in the house.  We have compromised with each other about our daily habits and life is good.

I remember saying very adamantly, “I’m never going to raise anyone else’s kids.”  I so forcefully put that out into the universe and the universe heard me and responded with another chance to get the lesson.

Never say never!

 

In Sickness and In Health

I’m tired today.  My body is aching and I haven’t felt well recently.  I go through these stages at different times.  I have illnesses but truly I am a healthy soul.  The body is going to do things we don’t want it to do.  It’s going to break down at some point because it is just a temporary housing for our soul.

Although, I am sick according to doctors, I am a healthy being, true and perfect as I was created.  The source of my light and life abide within me.  How could I be less than perfect?

So, today is an off day for my body.  Even though we have emotions and moods it doesn’t mean that we are not well.  Today I can choose to be sick in body and spirit or I can accept that my body is sick, but my spirit is “A” okay.

It’s easy to have a tendency to just give up the day to sadness and self pity because I am not feeling well,  but the truth of the matter is we are all really doing fine.  When we don’t feel well, we have to take time to breathe and hear the voice of God within.  We do this because it can keep us from identifying with our illness.  We are not our illness.  We are not a disease.  At these times we can stop and peel back some layers so that we can see more clearly who we are.  It may take some practice because we have to quiet our minds from the noise of our thoughts.

I have always referred to myself as a searcher.  I grew up as a practicing Catholic and them moved on to a Mennonite church for a while.  After that, I was familiarized with the Native American way.  I’ve always wanted to learn more spiritually.  I’ve wanted to connect with others in a more Christian way.  As I have journeyed on this path, I’ve picked up so many lessons.  I have learned to not identify with my circumstances and the results have been amazing.

My body has a disease called multiple sclerosis and when I first was diagnosed with it, I fell apart.  I was a mess physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I say spiritually because I was not in tune with God as the source of my being.  I knew God but didn’t realize he exists in me.  Physically, I let it get the best of me and wallowed in the sadness and grief that had been given to me.  When I think about it now I almost have to laugh to think that I am so special that a disease was “given” to me.  Given by who?

I do not believe that illness is given to anybody.  Life happens and it’s nobody’s fault.  I can’t blame God because I got MS.  He didn’t give it to me.  We live in a world with a lot of people.  There’s disease, illness, sadness, grief, loneliness and sorrow.  But, nobody gave any of that to me or to you.  It’s just part of being human.

I am human and my body is susceptible to any number of things going wrong.  There’s a lot going on in there;  cells and veins and moving things like lungs and air and hearts and pumping.  Germs get picked up and bodies react a certain way.  No, I am not special.  Every person has all of this going on.

I don’t want to wallow in sickness when I have the most prodigious spirit residing in this capsule I call a body.

The thing that makes me special and every single other being in this world is the Holy Spirit that is our source and our light.  How could we be anything other than amazing when the very thing that gives us life and light is at the core of our being?

I’m going to rest my body today and work with it.  I don’t have to be sad or in a miserable mood because it’s an off day.  It’s really not an off day.  It’s just a day and My spirit is still here, teaching me and allowing me to breathe with this particular body and when it is time to release this body, I will still be alive as the same perfect being as I was created.