I read many self help books and I watch a ton of videos about meditation and such. I try to surround myself with positivity. It all sounds so Zen, doesn’t it? Granted, I work hard at soul-searching and self growth, but I’m as human as the next person. I like laughing at stupid jokes, drinking a glass of wine until I’m silly and acting like a kid. Being spiritual doesn’t mean being a stick in the mud and it doesn’t mean being a perfect being at all times either.
While I was raising my kids, I was very strict. Everything was black and white. I was so rigid and the kids knew their place and they followed suit. I look back now and wonder , who in the world was that person calling the shots? I don’t recognize her. I don’t think I could live with her anymore. With that being said, I find little shades of that person peek through me at times. Yes, those stubborn, black and white thoughts are ingrained in me and they rear their ugly heads from time to time. Thankfully I am able to recognize her when she comes calling. But, honestly, there are times when she stays around a little longer than I would like to admit. I get stuck on technicalities such as being in a bad mood because they didn’t put the dishes in the dishwasher, they didn’t replace the empty roll of toilet paper, they left the mess for me to pick up. Such trivial things to waste my energy on and I know better, yet I still do it. The big test for me right now is this 8 month old puppy of mine. I find myself losing patience and reacting in negative ways that only frustrate me and the dog.
There’s a difference now, though. I am able to at least recognize the creature from within. I’m not always able to put her away immediately but recognizing her is a result of the time spent in soul-searching and self-growth. Meditation calms me down and brings me to a peaceful place to springboard off of into my day. It helps me to realize that I am not that creature from within and that changes the chain of events that follow the crazy hysteria. All of the spiritual work, self-help, positivity training that I do will not make me a perfect person. Perfection is unrealistic anyway. It’s not attainable, it’s a fallacy that we tell ourselves. I don’t try to be perfect. I try to be better. I want to be a better version of myself.
I think sometimes we put expectations on people that we call gurus and spiritual teachers. These people are human just like me. They are not perfect and don’t claim to be. (most of them anyway). They’ve learned a way to find the better version of themselves and are sharing what they have found. Isn’t that what we call purpose?
I’m never going to be happy, excited, loving all the time. It’s actually not natural to be. I’m going to be sad, depressed, angry, lonely at times too. All of these emotions are what balance us out as humans. These feelings are meant to be felt and acknowledged and allowed to pass through us. It’s the contrast of life that makes us appreciate everything. One thing that I’ve learned is that it’s okay to visit all these emotions for a time but I just don’t want to take up residence in any one place for too long. I’ll end up missing out on true living, growth and love. But, it’s possible to visit all these emotions while being in a state of deep love within. When we live in true love, that is, joy, peace, calm, compassion, empathy, we are able to live our daily lives with an innate knowing that we are perfect as we were created to be. Perfect, not in the sense of actions or reactions but perfect in the sense that deep within our core resides God. You can’t get more perfect than that.