Ambition..

I am rebloggong this post because I think it’s worth sharing and a good reminder to all of us.

Little Secret's

It’s all about AMBITION! I can’t do it.. I’m too tired, let’s rather leave it for tomorrow.. I’ll start next week.. what difference will it really make..

Haven’t we all used these excuses before?? Well that’s just the problem RIGHT there.. it starts with YOU.. If you aren’t going to lift your butt and START doing stuff, that’s just where it’s going to stay at – STUFF.

One thing I’ve learned is you can day dream all you want.. you can look at other people’s lives all you want.. you can sit in a corner and feel sorry for yourself all you want, but at the end of the day.. you are the person driving your destiny and you are in control of the wheel.. feel that fire burning inside of you.. its getting hotter.. that warm feeling is touching your core.. embrace it… focus… let the fire CONSUME you…

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Despair: There’s a Better Way

 

 

Complacency.

Stuck.  Wandering around aimlessly.

Routine  deadens her inside.  Lack of inspiration and imagination.

Trying to shake it off. Trying to pull herself out of this hole.

What will the catalyst be? The thing that turns it all around.  Where will she look to find it?

Drowning in same old.  Where’s the spark?  The burning desire to catapult her into energy and joy.  Where does she turn, Who does she  turn to?

Sleeping doesn’t give her joy, it only numbs her for a time. She awakens, desensitized of gratefulness to be alive.

She shouts, “Somebody, please show me the way to be happy.  Where are you?”

She’s tired of feeling this way.  She is so damn tired.

She asks, “Where will I find the change that I need?  Where does it come from?  Why don’t I know the answer? ”

Her thoughts are racing . “I cannot help myself.  I need help. I need to find myself.  I need to find love.”

She  closes her eyes,  trying to imagine one thing that makes her smile.

She recalls the feeling of the moonglow on her face and the sense of peace she felt.  Could it be?  Can she bathe in the moonlight tonight?  What will stop her? She knows she can do this.  She can find the energy in herself to do this. This is the night.

Ah, there it is, in all it’s illuminating essence, the glorious moon.  She feels blanketed  in it’s brilliance. Suddenly , she feels protected and empowered.  She has found a new friend.  As she sits and deliberates, she realizes that,  it”s always been there. She acknowledges that she’s  been too locked away inside her grief and torment to notice it.  She feels  such solace from this great ball of light.

Thoughts continue to  whirl around in her mind. “Where does it get this unimaginable power from?  Why am I so effected by it?”

She now visits with the moon each night.  She basks in the serenity it endows her with.  The limited moments that they share are becoming more frequent.

She finds herself enlivened and hopeful.  As she considers their relationship, they’ve become entwined in peace and she searches for it’s source of  power.

Her questions continue:  “What makes it radiate this compelling energy? She sits in deep contemplation and ponders the answer. Her observations show her a better way. “When I sit with it I feel this astounding sense of love.  As we visit with each other more and more and the tremendous love enlightens me, I realize that we share the same source.  Love is the source in it and in me.  The power of the universe lies within all of us.  The source is unconditional love.”

 

The spark that she’s been searching for is unconditional love and it resides within her and the moon and the stars and all things that radiate energy.

She cries, ” I am alive. I am grateful.  I feel joy for the first time in so many years.  I have the source within me.  I am powerful and courageous and full of energy.  If the moon and I share the same source than who am I to question if I am worthy of love.

I am love.  I am filled with the same incandescance as it. Here I am.  Worthy, Conscious, Alive and Grateful for this air that fills my lungs and allows me to share the most precious gift that my friend from above has shared with me.  I am awake now.”

We Actually Like Each Other

 

 

I live with my boyfriend and his 19 year old daughter.  We have a nice, small, cohesive family unit.  We are not an exciting bunch but we do know how to laugh and have fun together.  Yesterday, my boyfriend and I went to the diner for dinner.  It’s a local diner that we often go to and everybody knows everybody.  We had an early dinner, as we usually do, so the diner was empty.  We sat and ate our dinner ,as my boyfriend began to tell me stories of his first job, when he was fresh out of high school.  He described the crazy shenanigans that went on.  He worked with his father, uncle,  brother and cousin.  The young ones would torment their boss and anybody that crossed their paths just for a laugh.  As he told me story after story, I laughed my head off.  We were carrying on at the table and having a great old time.  As we were leaving the diner, we stopped at the counter to pay and the owner was asking about my step-daughter.  You know, the typical, “How is she doing?, Is she working”, and surprisingly, “Would she like a waitressing job?”

I began to give all the details of what she’s doing in her life and how proud of her we are.  After a few minutes of my bragging, I said to them, “Look at me going on about my step-daughter.”  They laughed and said that they thought it was great.  They have often seen us together and commented on their admiration of how good we get along.  As the conversation continued, they both mentioned to me that they thought that my boyfriend and I were a cute couple.  I have never considered us a “cute” couple.  We are 64 and 58 years old.  How “cute” could we be?  They went on to say that,  they observed how we laughed together and that we actually seem to like each other.  That just cracked me up.

Their statement made me think about when I was married to my first husband.  We would sit in a restaurant and I would observe other couples eating and conversing and laughing.  I always wondered what they were talking about because we never did such a thing.  I didn’t realize then that, that was the way it was supposed to be.  It’s sad to think,  at that time in my life, that I didn’t know that couples were supposed to have fun together.  Unfortunately, that marriage ended after nine years.  On the upside,  it was an educational period for me.  I am grateful for the lessons learned from that marriage.

As I left the diner last night, I was smiling.  I got in the car and told my boyfriend what our friends had to say.  It is a treasured endowment to realize that my life has changed and evolved into a healthy and satisfying experience.  Gone are the days of constant struggle and strife in a relationship.  We have been together for 14 years and have learned to communicate with one another through good and bad.  That’s why we have so much fun.  We feel free to divulge our thoughts and feelings without judgement from each other.  We’ve learned to work through the distressing times and to respect each other throughout the process.

As a family unit, we engage in silliness and laughter.  We enjoy each others’ company within the home and when the three of us go out together we always have a great time.  Life is good when a person can finally grow and learn to laugh at themselves.  Laughter is the best medicine and although it’s not always time to laugh, it’s always time to enjoy and respect each others’ presence.

Moonglow

I stepped outside last night and there was a radiant glow settling upon my grass.  I had a feeling of peace settle over me.  As I looked around, my eyes glanced above me and saw a luminous ball of energy hanging in the sky.  As the glimmer of light showered over my face, I felt the endowment of strength fill my soul from the influential entity in the empyerean wilderness.

Nokomis shares her love and strength from above, illuminating my very soul.  Grandmother Moon was smiling down upon me with affection.  With the capability to change the tides and influence the earth’s gravitation, she chose me to shine her majesty upon.  I look up to her and feel the brilliance and intensity of her love.

I am aware of everything around me in these precious few moments that I sat with her.  She illuminates the path before me both physically and spiritually.  I will bask in her ceaseless glow and recharge my soul.  I find myself blessed to have been given this illustrious gift from the Holy Spirit.

Tree of Life

I look at the tree.  The trunk is so thick.  Thick with years of experience.  Eyes that see history in the making.  Eyes that see everthing.  I touch her and try to hear her lessons.  I feel for her heartbeat but I can’t feel anything.  It doesn’t matter, there is treasure in her soul.  She is the wisdom of the ages.  Life flows through her branches even as she slumbers through the cold.  She awakens with glorious new life. Ah, but there was always life in her.  We just didn’t see it.  The grandmother tree shares whispers of life that have passed before her.  I hug her and feel her strength.  Her energy envelops me and gives me hope.

Bottom Feeders

We enjoy eating lobster, shrimp and crabs.  In fact, they are a very expensive delicacy.  We sit in nice restaurants and order lobster and king crab legs.  The server brings out our meal.  At first sight, we enjoy a bouquet of sense filling, mind altering sentiments.  As we dig in with anticipation, we slowly dip our crustaceans into the sweet melted butter and enjoy every savory bite.

Have you ever enjoyed the kingly  pork crown roast on New Year’s Day?  It is a sight to behold.  This royal feast consists of 12 pork loin ribs wrapped in a circle with the bone standing upward like a crown.  It is roasted to perfection with tender juices flowing , filled in the middle with a delectable stuffing and browned perfectly on top. A meal that is fit for a king.

As you enter the bakery, you are bequethed with angelic scents of the sweet nectarious foods for the gods.  The taste of blissful, mouth-watering confections carries your soul to a level of euphoria.  Your vision is accelarated to the pinnacle of delight by the bountiful colors of warmth and glory.  You can’t decide which delight to feast on first.  Oh, this must be heaven.

There is food and then there is “nourishment”.    When food brings all your senses into heightened alertness of joy, that nourishment is filling more than your stomach.  It becomes a heavenly love affair to be savored and imprinted in your memory forever.  This experience can bring joyful satisfaction to your life.

I can see this as a blessing and a curse.  There is a fine line here.  As with anything in life, moderation must be exercised.  It is easy to see how we can become consumed by the seduction of these experiences with our food.  It seems that in our human-ness we have a tendency to want too much of a good thing.  The line that I speak of is tetering between pure awareness and joy of the moment and contaminated, destructive addiction.

When we move into the realm of addiction we immediately think of drugs or alcohol and that connotates low-life, bottom feeders.  But, addiction comes in all forms such as food, people, sex,  relationships, cleaning, exercise, working and anything else that we tend to do obsessively to give us the feeling of either being in control or the sense of releasing any form of control and running somewhere to hide.  We find things to make us feel better and then we just can’t get enough.  In my opinion, I think that most of us can fall into the category of being addicted to one thing or another.  That does not make us bottom-feeders.  That makes us human and there are those  who are addicted to drugs and alcohol whose behavior shows us the dark side of not being able to get enough.  Whose behavior shows us that they are not in control of their own actions because they have become slaves to their addiction and nothing will stop them from getting what they want or need.  All addicts, no matter what their addiction, are worthy of love.  They are hard to love when they are completely ensconced in their addiction, whatever it may be.  We may feel a sense of judgement, disgust, resentment and pure hatred for the addict they have become.  Underneath the many addictions that we use to escape from daily living, we are people, hurting people.  Individuals that need something so desperately to make them feel complete.

To quote the song “Not the Doctor” by Alanis Morrisette:  “What are you hungry for?”

 

 

 

I Found the Real Thing

It’s finally January, 2019.  I haven’t written for quite a few weeks now.  That’s what happens when the holidays roll around.  Speaking of the holidays; I was dreading every part of them and much to my surprise things turned out differently than I had expected.

We couldn’t put up a Christmas tree because we have a 9 month old Rhodesian Ridgeback puppy who can easily take down a beautiful pine in the forest let alone a small artificial tree. We also have a no gift exchange policy with our adult children because we don’t need anything and they can’t afford to buy us presents so what’s the point.  But we do buy gifts for the grandchildren and that is where things got interesting.

I have 3 teenage granddaughters, 1 teenage grandson and 2 baby grandsons aging 3 and 4.  My teenage grandson and his 3 year old baby brother live in another state so I had so send them their gifts.  I asked each one of the older kids what they would like for Christmas and they told me that they didn’t want anything.  That kind of warms my heart that they didn’t feel the need to ask me for anything.  They are so sweet and kind.

I live an hour and a half away from my family which includes my siblings, my mom, my son and daughter-in-law and the 4 grandchildren.  Christmas Eve happens to be my mother’s birthday and Christmas day is my son’s birthday.  As you can see, the holidays are just a little bit more than your average celebration, what with birthdays thrown into the  mix.

I made the drive and went to see my grandkids first.  For the three girls, I gave them each a gift bag with a pack of socks from the dollar store and also a gift card.  Each one of them was so excited about the socks that they immediately put them on.  They were thankful for the gift cards but the excitement was really about the socks.  My 4 year old grandson opened his present which was a farm truck that he had to build.  It came with a drill and screws and screwdriver and it could be made into four different types of vehicles.  After playing with it for well over an hour, he came up to me and said, “Gramom, I really love this.”  My heart immediately melted.  The three girls are your typical teenage girls who love dancing and singing to the radio.  They decided to put songs on and they each had a microphone bluetooth device so we all sat there singing our favorite songs.  Then came the dancing.  They put the television on and went to youtube and pulled up some kind of dance video and it began.  All four of us were dancing to the video and laughing and singing every step of the way.  Of course, my daughter-in-law has a video to blackmail me with if I decide to get on her nerves.  HAHA.  After all the fun, we loaded up in the car and went to a farm to see a magnificent light show.  We tuned into the proper radio chanel and listened to Christmas music as we drove through the illuminating extravaganza.

I didn’t need a tree, or presents or anything else.  I felt joy that has been illusive to me for quite some time.  Joy that will last for the rest of my lifetime.  A Christmas miracle you could say.  In all its simplicity, the finest joy a person could feel.  The true meaning of Christmas.

That night I slept at my mom’s house because the following day was her birthday.  She was so excited to celebrate her 87th birthday.  The evening before, while I was with my grandkids, she decided to bake herself a birthday cake.  She hasn’t baked in years and it was surprising to me that she wanted to, but her exuberance about this birthday was notable.  When I returned to her house that night, I asked her how the cake came out and she said it was a disaster but she managed to “glue” it back together with icing.  I will never forget the laughter that we shared about that cake.

Everything about those two days gave me the extreme joy that a person should feel at Christmastime.  The greatest gift ,as always has been, is the gift of Love.  We don’t need all the fancy wrappings and expensive items to show our love for each other.  An evening of dancing and singing and laughing with a couple of teenagers and a little boy; A day with an elderly woman excited to celebrate another year alive; These are the most passionate and thoughtful gifts a person can recieve.