It’s Time to Play

I decided to sit down at the computer and write at this moment.  I have a craving to write something.  I just don’t know what it is yet.  I have to let it simmer for a bit.  “It”, being my writing subject.  Sometimes, I don’t need a subject at all.  Maybe some of you remember the show “Seinfeld”.  It was called the show about nothing.  The show about nothing became a cultural icon.  It seemed that everyone related to the normal daily thoughts and feelings of everyday people.  We were able to laugh out loud because the subjects covered were so familiar to us.  It’s a great feeling to know that so many others are thinking and feeling the same way we are.  It’s comforting  that we are not alone in our madness.

It’s snowing this morning here in New Jersey, United States.  It looks pretty,  but honestly, I don’t know too many people that are happy to see the snow.  It causes disruption for commuters.  Everyone gets in a frenzy when it snows.  They rush to the grocery store to buy milk, bread and eggs.  Lest we starve!  It’s 2 inches of snow, not the end of the world.  Snow silently and peacefully enters our reality, all the while, glittering and sparkling it’s freshness upon the earth’s surface.  The beauty it bestows is celestial.  Adult humans seem to have a tendency to skew reality.  Our perceptions change the actuality of everything.   A small child, on the other hand, can look out the window and see wondrous potential in the falling snow.  Bountiful creations whirl around in their mind of how they can pick up this fluffy white stuff and make anything out of it.

I will call my mother this afternoon, as I do every day.  We will talk about our day and complain about the snow.  Neither one of us has to go outside and trudge through it to get to a designated place of employment but, nonetheless, we will complain that we don’t like the snow.  Doesn’t that sound like madness to you?  I’m shaking my head at my own self.  Where has that child in me gone?  Why can’t I see the beauty that has laid itself before me?

I realize that I have allowed grown up life to skew my perceptions of pure joy.  I can’t see the purity of the falling snow anymore.  It’s time for me to shake it off and get in touch with this beautiful endowment from the heavens.  There is so much beauty here and I have allowed myself to be blinded by past conditioning, pain and suffering.  I have consensually given away my sight so that I might live in fear and anguish.

Today, this moment, I must realign myself with the universe and forget about the past.  I must get myself up and show up with full spirit.  Today, I will play in the snow and enjoy all that it has to offer and I will come out triumphant, if only for a few moments, and feel alive again with the sight of a child.

I find it amazing that I sat down to write with no thought of any subject to write about.  So, I decided to talk about the weather and look where it took me.  I think that’s pretty cool.  I love how things unfold out of our minds if we are able to sit still for a little bit and let it flow.  I’m totally loving this process.

 

 

Despair: There’s a Better Way

 

 

Complacency.

Stuck.  Wandering around aimlessly.

Routine  deadens her inside.  Lack of inspiration and imagination.

Trying to shake it off. Trying to pull herself out of this hole.

What will the catalyst be? The thing that turns it all around.  Where will she look to find it?

Drowning in same old.  Where’s the spark?  The burning desire to catapult her into energy and joy.  Where does she turn, Who does she  turn to?

Sleeping doesn’t give her joy, it only numbs her for a time. She awakens, desensitized of gratefulness to be alive.

She shouts, “Somebody, please show me the way to be happy.  Where are you?”

She’s tired of feeling this way.  She is so damn tired.

She asks, “Where will I find the change that I need?  Where does it come from?  Why don’t I know the answer? ”

Her thoughts are racing . “I cannot help myself.  I need help. I need to find myself.  I need to find love.”

She  closes her eyes,  trying to imagine one thing that makes her smile.

She recalls the feeling of the moonglow on her face and the sense of peace she felt.  Could it be?  Can she bathe in the moonlight tonight?  What will stop her? She knows she can do this.  She can find the energy in herself to do this. This is the night.

Ah, there it is, in all it’s illuminating essence, the glorious moon.  She feels blanketed  in it’s brilliance. Suddenly , she feels protected and empowered.  She has found a new friend.  As she sits and deliberates, she realizes that,  it”s always been there. She acknowledges that she’s  been too locked away inside her grief and torment to notice it.  She feels  such solace from this great ball of light.

Thoughts continue to  whirl around in her mind. “Where does it get this unimaginable power from?  Why am I so effected by it?”

She now visits with the moon each night.  She basks in the serenity it endows her with.  The limited moments that they share are becoming more frequent.

She finds herself enlivened and hopeful.  As she considers their relationship, they’ve become entwined in peace and she searches for it’s source of  power.

Her questions continue:  “What makes it radiate this compelling energy? She sits in deep contemplation and ponders the answer. Her observations show her a better way. “When I sit with it I feel this astounding sense of love.  As we visit with each other more and more and the tremendous love enlightens me, I realize that we share the same source.  Love is the source in it and in me.  The power of the universe lies within all of us.  The source is unconditional love.”

 

The spark that she’s been searching for is unconditional love and it resides within her and the moon and the stars and all things that radiate energy.

She cries, ” I am alive. I am grateful.  I feel joy for the first time in so many years.  I have the source within me.  I am powerful and courageous and full of energy.  If the moon and I share the same source than who am I to question if I am worthy of love.

I am love.  I am filled with the same incandescance as it. Here I am.  Worthy, Conscious, Alive and Grateful for this air that fills my lungs and allows me to share the most precious gift that my friend from above has shared with me.  I am awake now.”

We Actually Like Each Other

 

 

I live with my boyfriend and his 19 year old daughter.  We have a nice, small, cohesive family unit.  We are not an exciting bunch but we do know how to laugh and have fun together.  Yesterday, my boyfriend and I went to the diner for dinner.  It’s a local diner that we often go to and everybody knows everybody.  We had an early dinner, as we usually do, so the diner was empty.  We sat and ate our dinner ,as my boyfriend began to tell me stories of his first job, when he was fresh out of high school.  He described the crazy shenanigans that went on.  He worked with his father, uncle,  brother and cousin.  The young ones would torment their boss and anybody that crossed their paths just for a laugh.  As he told me story after story, I laughed my head off.  We were carrying on at the table and having a great old time.  As we were leaving the diner, we stopped at the counter to pay and the owner was asking about my step-daughter.  You know, the typical, “How is she doing?, Is she working”, and surprisingly, “Would she like a waitressing job?”

I began to give all the details of what she’s doing in her life and how proud of her we are.  After a few minutes of my bragging, I said to them, “Look at me going on about my step-daughter.”  They laughed and said that they thought it was great.  They have often seen us together and commented on their admiration of how good we get along.  As the conversation continued, they both mentioned to me that they thought that my boyfriend and I were a cute couple.  I have never considered us a “cute” couple.  We are 64 and 58 years old.  How “cute” could we be?  They went on to say that,  they observed how we laughed together and that we actually seem to like each other.  That just cracked me up.

Their statement made me think about when I was married to my first husband.  We would sit in a restaurant and I would observe other couples eating and conversing and laughing.  I always wondered what they were talking about because we never did such a thing.  I didn’t realize then that, that was the way it was supposed to be.  It’s sad to think,  at that time in my life, that I didn’t know that couples were supposed to have fun together.  Unfortunately, that marriage ended after nine years.  On the upside,  it was an educational period for me.  I am grateful for the lessons learned from that marriage.

As I left the diner last night, I was smiling.  I got in the car and told my boyfriend what our friends had to say.  It is a treasured endowment to realize that my life has changed and evolved into a healthy and satisfying experience.  Gone are the days of constant struggle and strife in a relationship.  We have been together for 14 years and have learned to communicate with one another through good and bad.  That’s why we have so much fun.  We feel free to divulge our thoughts and feelings without judgement from each other.  We’ve learned to work through the distressing times and to respect each other throughout the process.

As a family unit, we engage in silliness and laughter.  We enjoy each others’ company within the home and when the three of us go out together we always have a great time.  Life is good when a person can finally grow and learn to laugh at themselves.  Laughter is the best medicine and although it’s not always time to laugh, it’s always time to enjoy and respect each others’ presence.

Tree of Life

I look at the tree.  The trunk is so thick.  Thick with years of experience.  Eyes that see history in the making.  Eyes that see everthing.  I touch her and try to hear her lessons.  I feel for her heartbeat but I can’t feel anything.  It doesn’t matter, there is treasure in her soul.  She is the wisdom of the ages.  Life flows through her branches even as she slumbers through the cold.  She awakens with glorious new life. Ah, but there was always life in her.  We just didn’t see it.  The grandmother tree shares whispers of life that have passed before her.  I hug her and feel her strength.  Her energy envelops me and gives me hope.

Bottom Feeders

We enjoy eating lobster, shrimp and crabs.  In fact, they are a very expensive delicacy.  We sit in nice restaurants and order lobster and king crab legs.  The server brings out our meal.  At first sight, we enjoy a bouquet of sense filling, mind altering sentiments.  As we dig in with anticipation, we slowly dip our crustaceans into the sweet melted butter and enjoy every savory bite.

Have you ever enjoyed the kingly  pork crown roast on New Year’s Day?  It is a sight to behold.  This royal feast consists of 12 pork loin ribs wrapped in a circle with the bone standing upward like a crown.  It is roasted to perfection with tender juices flowing , filled in the middle with a delectable stuffing and browned perfectly on top. A meal that is fit for a king.

As you enter the bakery, you are bequethed with angelic scents of the sweet nectarious foods for the gods.  The taste of blissful, mouth-watering confections carries your soul to a level of euphoria.  Your vision is accelarated to the pinnacle of delight by the bountiful colors of warmth and glory.  You can’t decide which delight to feast on first.  Oh, this must be heaven.

There is food and then there is “nourishment”.    When food brings all your senses into heightened alertness of joy, that nourishment is filling more than your stomach.  It becomes a heavenly love affair to be savored and imprinted in your memory forever.  This experience can bring joyful satisfaction to your life.

I can see this as a blessing and a curse.  There is a fine line here.  As with anything in life, moderation must be exercised.  It is easy to see how we can become consumed by the seduction of these experiences with our food.  It seems that in our human-ness we have a tendency to want too much of a good thing.  The line that I speak of is tetering between pure awareness and joy of the moment and contaminated, destructive addiction.

When we move into the realm of addiction we immediately think of drugs or alcohol and that connotates low-life, bottom feeders.  But, addiction comes in all forms such as food, people, sex,  relationships, cleaning, exercise, working and anything else that we tend to do obsessively to give us the feeling of either being in control or the sense of releasing any form of control and running somewhere to hide.  We find things to make us feel better and then we just can’t get enough.  In my opinion, I think that most of us can fall into the category of being addicted to one thing or another.  That does not make us bottom-feeders.  That makes us human and there are those  who are addicted to drugs and alcohol whose behavior shows us the dark side of not being able to get enough.  Whose behavior shows us that they are not in control of their own actions because they have become slaves to their addiction and nothing will stop them from getting what they want or need.  All addicts, no matter what their addiction, are worthy of love.  They are hard to love when they are completely ensconced in their addiction, whatever it may be.  We may feel a sense of judgement, disgust, resentment and pure hatred for the addict they have become.  Underneath the many addictions that we use to escape from daily living, we are people, hurting people.  Individuals that need something so desperately to make them feel complete.

To quote the song “Not the Doctor” by Alanis Morrisette:  “What are you hungry for?”

 

 

 

Where has Christ-mas Gone?

Christmas time.  I dread it every year.  I feel like a mouse trying to escape a trap.  When I go to the store I hear Christmas music, but I know it’s not for my enjoyment.  It’s to put me in a certain frame of mind.  I feel pressured into consumerism.  I feel like I can’t breathe.  I’ve got to get out of the store.  I need peace and quiet.  I want to run from all of this craziness.  Don’t they see what’s happening?  Don’t they know we are being shepherded into a pen?   I know the true meaning and I will not stand for this.  I will not renounce my belief for anyone.  It is Christ- mas time.  It is time to celebrate the birth of Jesus.  Why aren’t we allowed to use his name if it’s his birthday?  If we can’t use it and rejoice in it, what are we celebrating.    Why are we all so blinded by the sparkling lights and the ringing bells.  Get me out of this trap, this rat race.  Take me to the peaceful place within my soul that knows what is real.  We say Christmas is for the children.  We are the children of God.  Let’s rejoice and celebrate accordingly.

Love is a year round action.  I don’t need ringing bells or holly or Santa to feel true love.  Jesus came to show us the way of true love.  That love lives in each and every one of us.  Let’s change things up and celebrate love. We can celebrate by sharing our time with others, laughing, singing, caring and loving.  These are the gifts that matter most.  I have to step back from allowing the commercialism to consume my heart.  I have to return to my source, my God. I open my heart now to receive love and to give love freely.  Now, I can feel the joy of Christmas.  Thank you Jesus!  Amen.

Shades of Shadow

I have this four legged companion who is now eight months old.  Oh he’s so cute and certainly a lap dog, full of love and kisses.  His name is Shadow and in the deep recesses of his personality, there lies a shadowy darkness.  Oh, yes, underneath that loveable exterior is a rebellious teenage monstrosity.

He challenges me every single day.  In the beginning, the potty training went well and all was right with the world until I realized that he used his urine to make a very loud and clear protest.  That’s how it all began.  Shadow doesn’t like when Daddy comes home from work and goes on the computer, so he stands in the middle of the kitchen and pees, not just in one spot but over a five foot radius.  Shadow doesn’t like when Mommy leaves the living room to go to the bathroom so he decides to chew the remote control.  Did I mention that most of the time I am not allowed to go to the bathroom alone simply because, well, he is my shadow.  He likes to pull the toilet paper off the roll as entertainment while I am desperately trying to take care of business in peace.  I have to use reading glasses and when I decide to get up off the couch, he eats the glasses.  I am now on the third pair of reading glasses.

His protests are becoming quite clear and more and more destructive despite my attempt to give him plenty of exercise, discipline and affection.  It seems that the kitchen counters are not off limits to this guy.  I was in the living room and he wandered into the kitchen.  He came right back out again and I thought everything was okay.  But evidence to the contrary grabbed my attention.  When I went into the kitchen, there were paw prints on top of my counter.  He was just checking things out I guess.  One day, while I was in the shower for all of 5 minutes, I came out and heard a strange crunching noise.  I knew he had gotten into something.   I have  my medications in a daily pill box.  He reached up on the counter and took the pill box.  I was in a horrific panic as I was considering grabbing the phone and calling the vet.  If he ate my medications, I don’t know what would have happened.  But, to my surprise, all my pills were spilled on the floor.  He was more interested in the plastic pill box than the pills.  Thank God.

Yesterday was a new twist to this menace of a dog.  I watched him through the sliding glass door as he went to do his business.  I don’t know if  you can really imagine my horror when I tell you that he was eating his poop.  I totally freaked out.  I ran outside, screaming like a lunatic, “Get out of there, what is wrong with you.”  I honestly couldn’t look at him the same way.  I was so repulsed by his action.  I immediately went online to look up this disgusting behavior to find out that it is quite common among dogs.  I guess that is why they are dogs.  I don’t know, but common or not, I cannot live with this nonsense in my life.

I took some time to calm down and regroup.  This one will take a little longer to get over than all the other troubling things this holy terror has done.  So, here are the new measures I have had to implement.  Every time I am watching television and need to leave the room, I must remove the remote, cell phone, reading glasses and anything else that is on the end table.  I mean, every time.  He has to be in the crate when I shower.  I cannot let him out of my sight for one minute.  He’s not allowed in the kitchen if I am not in there.  I have to watch him every time he goes outside to poop so that I can clean it up immediately, which, I have always done anyway, but now he can’t even have time to smell it.  So disgusting.

I am at my wits end with this puppy.  He’s about 65 pounds and despite his size, he’s still a puppy.  I don’t know if I’m going to make it through this first year with this calamitous animal.  I often feel like a prisoner of this dog.  I hate to admit it, but he requires my attention every single moment of the day.  Many times a day I get so frustrated and I actually say out loud, “Dear God, please help me.”  When I do that, I am seriously praying for help and the truth is that it calms me down and allows me that moment between raging reaction and constructive action.

I love Shadow and I know that this too shall pass.  These days are very trying and I do believe that when I “pray” and ask God for help, he does help me.  This is just a small trial in my world and I know that in the grand scheme of life it’s not important but, this animal is a spiritual soul and it is my duty to give him the best life possible.  The unconditional love and loyalty will make up for these teenage times with my pup.  You can’t get much closer to God than that.  Complete unconditional love and loyalty with pure innocence.  I can only hope that I could exist with those attributes for even a small amount of my time.

Once again, I am finding another pearl of wisdom in my daily life.  Simple, daily life issues always have some form of a gift for us to take away.  As I struggle with this young creature of God, I am reminded that the gifts in my life are plentiful.  Shadow is a gift that will enrich my life and bring me so much joy.  I am truly thankful for him.