B.M.

I spent three days with my adult children.  I have two sons and a daughter.  We all live in different states so it was a very special experience to be all together again.  It sounds all fluffy and nice doesn’t it?  It was nice and special, but not so fluffy.

My children can have conversations about most anything.  I’m all for that because I am usually the subject of their laughter.  This particular weekend, for some reason, focused on the need to share the habits of our bowels.  I told you it wasn’t so fluffy.

One son has shared that his bm habits have graduated to becoming events that no longer require toilet paper, they now have been upgraded to a new level that requires wipes.  While he used the lavatory, we heard sounds that have never been uttered in this world and when the realization came that he did not have enough wipes, we heard him loudly call his wife to handle this emergency situation.  The rest of us couldn’t stop laughing as he finally emerged with a smile on his face and sweat pouring from his brow.

As we all ate breakfast around the center island of the kitchen, we were laughing and having a good old time.  At that point my other son stood in the middle of the hallway.  There is a bathroom at each end of the house.  As he looked , he noticed that the one bathroom door was shut.  I saw him rubbing his stomach as he asked if anyone was in the other bathroom.  He announced that time was running out and he needed to get to a bathroom.  I quickly checked  the other bathroom and ushered one of my granddaughters out.  I stood in the hallway and shouted his name, waving him along like I was waving traffic at an intersection.  Whew, he made it just in time.

The next morning, my daughter, three granddaughters and I wanted to watch the sun rise over the mountains.  We got up early and made our way in the dark to the mountain.  We arrived at our destination, a calm, peaceful area on the side of the mountain and stood outside my daughter’s car awaiting the arrival of our maginificent friend.  As we stood there, my stomach started making sounds.  I turned to my daughter and said, “oh no, it’s happening.”  She knew exactly what I meant.  I have had this issue for a very long time and she has been with me while shopping in stores so she knows what I mean.  I said that I needed to sit down and maybe that would settle things.  Well, it didn’t.  As I pondered what to do next, I came up with a plan.  We noticed that back behind the trees there were two tractors parked, the kind used for cutting the grass.  They were well hidden.  My daughter suggested that I walk over there and take care of business but I told her that if I walked, it would make things happen before I got to my destination.  She decided to back her car up to get me there.  Now, I had more decisions to make and I had to make them quickly.  Toilet paper was not handy so I had to improvise using other sanitary items that were in my purse.  I grabbed them along with a pocket knife that my daughter gave me.  I looked at her like a deer in the headlights because I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do with this knife.  She told me three different times but I didn’t understand and she got frustrated with me.  I just grabbed the knife and my other tools for this emergency debacle I was in.  I headed in.  I had a mission to complete.  Getting there just in time, I completed the first part of my task quite easily as it had a mind of its own.  The second part of the plan came together as I had hoped, using the formentioned tools.  There was one problem, I didn’t have enough items to complete the project.  I had to think fast.  I had to think on my feet, literally.  I looked down at my feet and made the decision to sacrifice a sock.  Oh yes I did.  Now, I still had this pocket knife with me and I didn’t dare tell my daughter that I didn’t need it because she said it was a survival tool and I should use it as such.  Proudly, I dug up the ground with that knife so that I could cover any evidence that I had been there.  I emerged victoriously as my daughter and granddaughters laughed until they cried.  I joined them and we peacefully watched the sun rise over the mountain.  Mission accomplished.

As much as these three days were so special for us to gather as a family, the stories and carrying on  will live forever in us.  And we will amuse ourselves at the memories and the subject of the memories for a lifetime.  Of course, with my family, no subject is off limits as you can see.  Sometimes we are not so prim and proper and we share things that can fall under the category of “too much information”.  But it’s all in fun.  It’s all part of the game of life.  It’s okay to laugh at the things nobody ever talks about, out loud that is.

P.S.  My daughter later told me that the knife was to cut off my undergarments if necessary.