Shine Brighter

The other day I was out and about running errands and I had this experience where I felt like I was standing outside myself, observing my surroundings and the people moving about.  It was kind of weird and pretty cool at the same time.  Throughout my self-awareness journey, I have heard countless teachers mention that you have to be the observer of your own life.  When in that state, you are not operating in the egoic mind.  Does that mean that I have achieved something on that day?

Although it was an interesting experience, it only lasted for a short moment and I continued on with my day.  But, the experience itself stayed with me and I stayed conscious of the fact that it did happen.  I ask myself, ” What could the meaning of that moment be?”  I am finding that more and more people are becoming awakened to the spirit of the universe.  In my mind, I consider that to be the Holy Spirit.  As I have mentioned before, I’ve read so many books, taken classes and watched videos about self awareness.  Ever since I started Blogging, I’ve noticed that  I am encountering more and more like-minded souls out there.  This demonstrates the fact that the world is awakening from an abysmal slumber where people operated on a level of puppetry.  We have been wandering around aimlessly and willingly accepting interpretations of what life’s purpose should be from generations upon generations of pain and suffering.  The sins of the father seem to pass down and through lifetimes of willing recipients.  There are cycles of conditioning that move through us and so we share that dysfunction with our children and grandchildren and so on.

On this day, in the year 2018, things are changing.  Cycles are being broken and new thought patterns are being wired into the physical brain because somewhere along the line of generations, someone had a form of insight that maybe things were not what they were being conveyed as.  Someone decided to question certain attributes of their religion or their culture or their family.  All it takes is one person to change the dynamics of any situation imaginable.  Just one different thought pattern, just one simple question at a time, just one tiny difference can jolt us out of our dormancy and bring us into a light that we’ve never experienced before.

I believe that I may have experienced that light.   My awareness in that moment expanded to a different level.  I had a glimpse of clarity and it changed the dynamic of my thought process.  I can only imagine what would happen if this experience I had,  moved from one moment to several and so forth.

Imagine the result of  my tiny, little moment of consciousness being magnified by millions of people.  It only takes a spark to get a fire going.  We are on a path of awakening and I can feel the acceleration of awareness around me.

I am on this journey along with so many others.  We are all at different levels of consciousness.  As we journey together, the light is beginning to shine brighter and brighter and I believe that it is becoming impossible to ignore such a bright light.

 

 

Its natural to cry if we have suffered trauma

Emerging from the Dark night @darkknight.wordpress.com posted this today and I felt that it should be shared with everyone who is struggling from any kind of trauma.

Emerging From The Dark Night

I picked up a very good book written by an Australian trauma specialist Dr Jeannine Higgins at the book fair in September called Evolve With Trauma : Become Your Own Safe, Compassionate and Wise Friend.  It contains a lot of facts and useful information on being kind to yourself in trauma.  The tendency for trauma survivors is to beat ourselves up and this is despite the fact we have gone through abuse or pain or losses that often were not our fault.  We also meet misunderstanding from those who wonder why we can not just ‘get over’ such deeply painful experiences.   Jeannie explains that we cannot rationalise away trauma or traumatic memories because trauma by its very nature destroys links in the brain between our emotional/memory self and the rational self.

In a brilliant chapter entitled I can’t stop crying.  Am I going mad? she writes.

You are…

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Contrast

I read many self help books and I watch a ton of videos about meditation and such.  I try to surround myself with positivity.  It all sounds so Zen, doesn’t it?  Granted, I work hard at soul-searching and self growth, but I’m as human as the next person.  I like laughing at stupid jokes, drinking a glass of wine until I’m silly and acting like a kid.  Being spiritual doesn’t mean being a stick in the mud and it doesn’t mean being a perfect being at all times either.

While I was raising my kids, I was very strict.  Everything was black and white.  I was so rigid and the kids knew their place and they followed suit.  I look back now and wonder , who in the world was that person calling the shots?  I don’t recognize her.   I don’t think I could live with her anymore.  With that being said, I find little shades of that person peek through me at times.  Yes, those stubborn, black and white thoughts are ingrained in me and they rear their ugly heads from time to time.  Thankfully I am able to recognize her when she comes calling.  But, honestly, there are times when she stays around a little longer than I would like to admit.  I get stuck on technicalities such as being in a bad mood because they didn’t put the dishes in the dishwasher, they didn’t replace the empty roll of toilet paper, they left the mess for me to pick up.  Such trivial things to waste my energy on and I know better, yet I still do it.  The big test for me right now is this 8 month old puppy of mine.  I find myself losing patience and reacting in negative ways that only frustrate me and the dog.

There’s a difference now, though.  I am able to at least recognize the creature from within.  I’m not always able to put her away immediately but recognizing her is a result of the time spent in soul-searching and self-growth.  Meditation calms me down and brings me to a peaceful place to springboard off of into my day.  It helps me to realize that I am not that creature from within and that changes the chain of events that follow the crazy hysteria.  All of the spiritual work, self-help, positivity training that I do will not make me a perfect person.  Perfection is unrealistic anyway.  It’s not attainable, it’s a fallacy that we tell ourselves.  I don’t try to be perfect.  I try to be better. I want to be a better version of myself.

I think sometimes we put expectations on people that we call gurus and spiritual teachers.  These people are human just like me.  They are not perfect and don’t claim to be.  (most of them anyway).  They’ve learned a way to find the better version of themselves and are sharing what they have found.  Isn’t that what we call purpose?

I’m never going to be happy, excited, loving all the time.  It’s actually not natural to be.  I’m going to be sad, depressed, angry, lonely at times too.  All of these emotions are what balance us out as humans.  These feelings are meant to be felt and acknowledged and allowed to pass through us.  It’s the contrast of life that makes us appreciate everything.  One thing that I’ve learned is that it’s okay to visit all these emotions for a time but I just don’t want to take up residence in any one place for too long.  I’ll end up missing out on true living, growth and love.  But, it’s possible to visit all these emotions while being in a state of deep love within.  When we live in true love, that is, joy, peace, calm, compassion, empathy, we are able to live our daily lives with an innate knowing that we are perfect as we were created to be.  Perfect, not in the sense of actions or reactions but perfect in the sense that deep within our core resides God.  You can’t get more perfect than that.

 

Actions Speak Louder than Words

The young woman of 27 can’t sit in silence. She’s watching her aging loved ones as they begin on their journey to the next life. Action is all she knows.  Sitting and watching doesn’t suit her.  Her heart wants to make everything better but this is not something that will get better, or will it?

There is a blessing in caring for a person who’s spirit is ready to move on.  As the young woman delegates herself as caregiver, she is determined to give her loved ones every ounce of living that can be accomplished before they pass.  She couldn’t allow her grandmother to just waste away and give up even though they both knew what was coming.  Her grandmother was as strong as they come so she was a willing adventurer.  The young woman wanted a special girl’s day out so she made arrangements  ahead of time with the nail salon.  They greeted her at the door and made room for her wheelchair.  They treated her like a queen.  On the way to the salon, the young girl and her grandmother drove the country roads through the mountains and listened to country music as the grandmother tried to sing along with a smile on her face.  Although her body was tired she was not quite ready to ascend from it.  It was a day full of treasures for both women.  As each day passed, there were new challenges, but little gems were being passed from one generation to the next on those special days.  Every day became special because every moment counted.  The time spent together for these two souls will be forever ingrained  in the heart of the young woman.  Taking after her grandmother, the young woman forged ahead with strength and courage, determined to give this elder all that she had in her.  And, so, she did.  She gave her a beautiful send off, full of love and light.  A family came together for this special moment in time to celebrate the life of  their loved one.  Once again, although she had left this earthly home, the grandmother brought joy and love to her family as they spent several days together, sharing and laughing and enjoying each other.

Several weeks went by after the passing of her grandmother and she tried to get back into some semblance of a routine in her life.  But life doesn’t wait for a person to be ready for the next thing.  The 27 year old woman was informed that her grandfather was in hospice and did not have much longer to live.  All of the recent memories of caring for her grandmother came barrelling back into her heart.  She felt as though she was shot in the heart with an arrow and was ready to just bleed out.  All the pain, sorrow and grief poured out of her.  She didn’t see it coming and wasn’t sure what to do next.  The grieving for her grandmother had just begun and now she would have to face another devastating loss.  But, action is all she knows.  As the grief washed over her, she waited.  She waited for the correct path to lay itself before her.  She decided to sleep and when she awoke, clarity had shown itself.  The young woman made her way to the airport that day and within 24 hours was at the bedside of her grandfather.  After being the caregiver for her grandmother, she absorbed so much knowledge about the needs of a soul trying to pass.  When she layed eyes on her grandfather, it was apparent to her that his medications were not what she considered to be in the right balance of each other.  She had to at least share her concerns with his caregivers.  If nothing else, she had to fight for his life.  Her observances were acknowledged and the next day he asked for a cup of coffee and a newspaper.

This 27 year old woman, young in years but wise beyond, is an action taker.  You will never see her sit on the sidelines of life.  I sat with her, watching her grief just pour out in dignified tears.  At that moment she was having the realization of just how fragile life is and how we are all aging.  She had a glimpse of the need to take care of our elders.  She wanted to shout to all of her elders how much she loved them and how much she valued their words and contributions to her life.

I sat there as she sobbed into my mother’s bosom.  I sat quietly and observed this woman who is my baby girl.  I am a proud mother and so grateful to have a child with such heart and soul and caring running through her veins.

The Sunshine Blogger Award

Thank you to vicklea.com,  Vickie’s Book Nook and Meditation Corner for nominating me for the sunshine blogger award.  I enjoy reading your blog as it shows that you are a woman of true faith.  Your love of God and the Bible have helped many on their journey.

The rules are:

  • Thank the person who nominated you and provide a link back to him/her.
  • Answer the 11 questions provided by the blogger who nominated you.
  • Nominate 11 other bloggers and ask them 11 new questions.
  • Notify the nominees by commenting on one of their blog posts.
  • List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo on your post.

The questions for me to answer were:

    Who is your best friend and what do you have in common?
    My best friend’s name is Tammy.  We have everything in common but the most important things are 1) We both love to laugh and have fun 2) We both are real with each other 3) We both are traveling the same spiritual path and we help each other along the way.
    What is your favorite place to go and why?
    My brother’s cabin in the woods.  As John Denver wrote:  “…to the mountains, I can rest there, to the river, I’ll find peace there, to the wild country, I belong.”  It is the most refreshing God experience I could ever have.
    If you watch television, what is your favorite show?
    My guilty pleasure is Married at First Sight
    What is the book that you would recommend that everyone read?
    Walden by Henry David Thoreau
    What is your favorite thing to do on a daily basis?
    Talk to my Mom
    Share an interesting fact about your life.
    I am a survivor of a religious cult.
    What is one word that describes you best? Explain.
    Earthy.  I find peace and tranquility from the most simple things in life such as rocks and trees.  I feel like they have seen many lifetimes worth of experiences and there is wisdom there.
    If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be and why?
    Honestly, I wouldn’t change anything because it’s all those experiences that have brought me to where I sit today and I am pretty happy with who I am now.
    What do you consider to be the priority of your life?
    Live in love in everything that I do.
    Tell us your favorite author and why.
    Henry David Thoreau:  He found the treasures of life in the simplest things.
    What is one thing that you wish everyone knew about you?
    This is the hardest question to answer.  I feel like I am an open book so I think I am pretty easy to read.
    My nominees are fellow bloggers.  I hope you will check out their pages.
    RM Weldon
    Lance Sheridan
    Gail, moonlightreflections
    thesecretblind
    thesunshinethagain
    Patty Richardson
    Roshni Ramanan
    Cristian Mihai
    Just Brian
    Get Your own style
    Barbara Grace Lake
    MS Lucky Duck
    Questions for my Nominees:
    1.  What is your favorite fruit?
    2.  Are you religious or spiritual?
    3.  Name 3 of your favorite things.
    4.  Would you call your eating habits healthy?  Explain
    5. Who would you consider to be your hero?
    6.  What is your favorite book?
    7.  What is your highest level of formal education?
    8.  What part of the world are you from?
    9.  Who in your life has been the most influential?
    10.  Explain one defining moment in your life.
    11.  When overwhelmed, what is your go-to?

 

The Natural

My soul, so tired of trudging through the daily routine is feeling empty.  The drudgery of facing each day with the same old happenings and no fire in the furnace leaves me hollow.  Where can I find a spark?  How do I feel the spirit of inspiration?

Today, I stepped into a world of enchantment.  I was shocked and overwhelmed at what greeted me at the door.  As I entered, I smelled a familiar scent that awakened my other senses.  It immediately engaged my mind, asking it to notice and rejoice in the offerings of such a joyful world.  The cement that held my eyes tightly closed to the mystical had suddenly been loosened.  There, before me, lay intense pigmentations  of trees and leaves.  The fountain of outpouring tears of happiness cascaded throughout the landscape, giving the sense of hearing a bountiful, flowing treat.  As I ventured through this forest of extraordinary beauty, I breathed in a spirit that filled my lungs with life-giving tranquility.  It has  been said that the breath brings us serenity.  I inhaled the miraculous spirit that I seemed to have lost.

My body has been an empty furnace searching for it’s spark.  My soul has ached to feel the spirit within.  Today I stepped out, into the world and onto the path that I have walked before.  I sauntered into a church that I have always known but somehow kept myself away from.  Today, I entered the church of nature and I felt life breathed back into my body as if I was being risen from the dead.  First came the tiny spark and within moments I felt the flame of spirit within me.  At that moment I felt weightless and alive, filled with peace and inspiration.  In one tiny moment, it all came back to me.

The truth is that my God has never left me.  His spirit is in me.  I took life for granted and lost sight of my inner light and with one step into the natural world , my awakened self was restored.  All that I long for exists here within.

Never Say Never

I believe that in life if you don’t get the lesson the first time, you get to do it over and over again until you get it right.  I never realized how true that was until it really hit me in the face.

I have evolved ,over the years, into a completely different person.  I am but a shadow of my former self and that is very good news.  Not that I was a bad person, but I was a very hurt and broken person.  My daily decisions were all based in fear, anger and low self-esteem.  I was broken by the sudden loss of my father when I was 17.  It was sudden, completely unexpected, especially for a man of 48 years old.  He had been out of work for a solid year and finally got a new job.  He was a truck driver.  On his very first day of work, he was excited to be able to get financially stable once again.  On that very day, he never came home again.  He died of a heart attack while unloading that truck.

My world changed and I went into a tailspin of deep depression.  My life choices were made out of fear of being alone; out of fear of losing another; out of fear of not having someone to take care of me.  I got married at the age of 18.  I was so naive, just a child actually.  I was scratching my way through the muck of life with no direction.  I had two sons from that marriage that ended in divorce after nine years.  I was low-spirited for that period of my life.  My children didn’t know that.  They just needed me to be a Mom and I gave it my best with what I had to work with.  At that point in time, I had not evolved into anything but a sorrowful, depressed young woman and unfortunately that is what I gave to my boys.  I remarried and had a daughter with my second husband.  I felt that  was my chance to start over and use previous experiences to grow and to raise my children.  It was all so fresh and new.  But, I still carried the sadness and fear and depression with me.  Since that was what I had, that is what I once again given to my children.  Don’t get me wrong, I was the best mother that I could be.  My children were well cared for and loved but I wasn’t able to give them the best version of me because I hadn’t met her yet.

I raised my kids and felt that I was mothering them pretty well.  The struggles of raising kids never ends.  You’re always trying to teach them lessons and show them the way.  I made so many mistakes along the way.  I was rigid and expected them to grow with the rules that I grew up with.  I was unrelenting in my high expectations of children that were so young.  I look back now and wonder to myself, “What was I thinking?”.   I was so involved in the “rules” that I couldn’t see that I wasn’t allowing for the fact that they were children and so they should be able to act like children.

I have always been a searcher, meaning that I was a soul-searcher.  As I grew, I learned more and more to allow my spirituality to help me raise my children.  But, that took a long time and my kids were getting older and turning into teenagers and young adults.  I have to say that my children are 5 years apart.  I was one person when I had my first child at the age of 20 and a completely different person when I had my second child at the age of 25 and then again changed when I had my third child at the age of 30.  I was evolving at a slow rate.  I was finding that problems were getting bigger with my kids and I was not equipped to handle them.  I was still allowing fear, sadness and anger to guide my life.  Looking back now and seeing the mistakes I made just makes me cringe with sadness.

Now at the age of 57, it all seems so clear as does most things when looking in the rearview mirror.

My second marriage ended in divorce after 15 years.  I moved on to a new relationship and at that point, my daughter was 14.  The boys were adults then and I had grandchildren.  Still, at that point, I was not seeing the true needs of my daughter.  Again, she was well cared for but I was overlooking the most important things.  I was missing what her feelings were and what she was going through.  I was on a new journey and she was along for the ride.

While all this was going on, I eventually had a nervous breakdown and was forced into therapy.  I thought it was the worst day of my life but it turned out to be the best day.  I gave in and sought therapy and healed through hard work, blood, sweat and tears.  I finally healed from the loss of my father.  His death was 33 years before this.  So much healing took place with that year of therapy.  I learned how to communicate with my daughter and I learned how to stand up for myself and look at the world with more loving eyes as the sadness began to roll away. I allowed myself to be accountable for all the mistakes I made while raising my children.  I spoke with each one individually and acknowledge my mistakes and asked them to share with me the things that I had done that hurt them so much.  I apologized to each of them.  I learned so much about myself at that point in my life.

My evolution at that point was monumental but I had another surprise in store for me that I didn’t see coming.  My boyfriend has a daughter that is 8 years younger than my daughter.  All this time she lived with her mother until her mother’s circumstances changed and his daughter came to live with us at the young age of 14.  Wow, I thought I could handle taking care of a 14 year old.  I had done it 3 times and now had grandchildren; a lot of experience under my belt.  Once again, my eyes were opened.  This child was different, I was different.  The “rules” that I had raised my children with weren’t working.  I suddenly became that same old rigid mother type again.  What was I thinking?

I guess I didn’t get the full lesson after raising three children and grandchildren so, I got to do it again.  My step-daughter and I went on a journey together.  We learned together what worked and what didn’t work.  I learned to not be so rigid and to acknowledge when I was being unreasonable and apologize.  She began to respond positively and we grew a bond with each other.  Today, as she is now 19 years old, we live in a very peaceful environment.  We work together to achieve peace in the house.  We have compromised with each other about our daily habits and life is good.

I remember saying very adamantly, “I’m never going to raise anyone else’s kids.”  I so forcefully put that out into the universe and the universe heard me and responded with another chance to get the lesson.

Never say never!