Scattered, Here, There, Everywhere

My mind, oh my mind, it is running laps around a very small area called my brain. The thoughts keep racing. The details continually spew out of the grey matter. Oh my!

Did you ever pack up your house to move away? You never really know how much stuff has been accummulated over the years. For example: You open up your kitchen cabinets. It’s just a tiny kitchen, very unassuming. Slowly open the door and suddenly a blast of plastic containers and lids cascades down on your head. These things have a life all their own. You had put them in very neatly. They were stacked to perfection and BOOM!, they multiplied and decided to dance on your face. I wonder where they got their devilish soul from as they hid unpretentiously inside their dark cave. See, that’s what happens when you leave things alone in the dark overnight.

When you start putting glasses and plates and mugs in boxes it becomes a deluge of unqualified pointed objects. Each one has the opportunity if dropped or broken, to carve slits in your skin, leaving you nothing but a bloody cluster of mayhem. Once again, the multiplication takes place. It was just two shelves in a cabinet and now it has become 35 abundant stuffed boxes that you have nowhere to put.

Pots and pans are no joke. The debauchery they can afflict has no bounds. Their heaviness alone, if mistakenly plummets on your foot, can render you mangled and hobbling for a good amount of your future days. If they fall on your head, forget it, you find yourself concussed and unable to speak coherently. The assemblage of these obnoxious beings have extensive power. Drop them on the floor and the sound will provide you with certain deafness for God knows how long. Gremlins, I say, they are all gremlins. Kitchen cabinets are filled with these hateful little creatures. Oh, if they could talk. All the elements contained within must conspire in the darkness, trying to figure out a way to inflict pain and suffering on us unwitting humans. For this exact reason is why I try to keep my distance from the kitchen. I have kept this secret for long enough. I knew their was evil lurking in that room. I just knew it.

But, I digress. I was talking about the wonderful jungle gym that is my brain. But, clearly you can see why my thoughts have the capability to flit around and around with no place to settle. Copious amounts of specifics are involved in these tasks. I’m beer battered, dipped in hot, boiling oil, fried. How can I not be? Look at the dangers lurking in my home. The nefarious existence of creatures living in my kitchen. There’s more, much more of them throughout my house. This is a beastly assignment that has my consciousness on high alert. It’s impossible to keep this thinking mechanism grounded while under duress. Just impossible.

Ah, but there must be a silver lining somewhere in this chaos. Of course there is. But, sometimes change can be stressful. Change shakes us up and moves energies around in our lives. Humans like routine. It is a place of comfort and knowing and peace. The flowing and movement of energy is necessary to grow and evolve. Every new thing that we go through brings new life, new spirit and new excitement. The process of shifting energies is difficult. The only way around it is to walk through it. The other side of the process brings a vibrant peacefulness into our hearts. There is one caveat: We must allow it. We must embrace the newness of experiences without judgement. Walk through it, don’t be afraid. My life experience has taught me to keep moving on. I am happy that I have taken leaps of faith throughout my life. I’ve lived in darkness and depression but somehow I was able to keep moving, keep loving and keep hoping. I am unconditionally grateful for every change that has brought me to where I am right now. I have evolved because of the changes in my life.

Take a chance, whether you chose the change or were forced to make it, take that step, that leap of faith. Life is always good. Live it, love it and thrive in it. It’s all good.

Hot Minute

It’s been a hot minute since I have written anything.

It’s been a hot minute since Covid arrived.

It’s been a hot minute and my life has changed drastically.

My last post was about exhaustion. Exhaustion from not being able to freely express my disagreeance with anyone. It’s been a hot minute since I have felt that.

I have come out of that mindset through many tears and depression. It’s been a hot minute since the world punctured me with fear.

I’m not engaging in that fear anymore. I’m on an unknown path at the moment. My environment is changing and I am stepping into a new realm of my life. I feel excited for what’s to come and a little sad for what’s being left behind. But really, nobody is being left behind. My love will never leave anyone behind.

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve endeavored on the last major life change. I did it though. I took the leap of faith and met my love and have built a life with him. Now it is time for him and I to take a leap of faith together and see what life may bring.

So many changes in the past year. Crazy changes. Changes of life, love, circumstances for myself and my family. I am happy to have experienced it all.

It’s been a hot minute since I have been watching a giraffe named Johari, waiting for her to deliver her calf. I’ve been watching her since October. It’s been a comforting routine to wake up each morning and pull up the giraffe cam on youtube. It has brought great joy to my life watching this animal and all the animals at Animal Adventure Park. The animals teach us so much. They don’t worry. They don’t fear. They just “Be”. Yes, it’s been a hot minute that I have allowed myself to just “Be”.

I’m sure there will be many more hot minutes in my life. I’m ready to embrace the changes that lay before me. I have love in my life all around from my family, friends, pets, nature. I feel the spirit of God in everything I see.

It’s been a hot minute since I have visited with you and I am joyful to see you again, my friends.

Enjoy your today and don’t let too many hot minutes pass between you and your loved ones.

Peace to you, always.

Exhaustion

I’m awake but I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired. Im tired of not being my true self even though I know better. Im tired of trying to please everyone. I’m tired of not expressing myself with raw feelings. I want to scream but I don’t want to upset anyone. When is it my turn to just scream from the rooftops how I truly feel. I’m sick and tired of taking care of everyone but me. I’m tired of censoring how I respond to things because others don’t like dealing with attitude. I have attitude today and I want to share it with the world. But, I sit and hold back my tears, fears and frustrations. I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. I want to be free right now at this moment. I want to cry with reckless abandon. Oh, God please let me be me.

The Great Conjunction

This is a repost from my friend Renee @ Silent Wisdom. The world is ready for a big change. Please read her post to help leave behind the old, unworthy worries and move forward into a new, loving world.

Silent Wisdom

Humanity is at a critical juncture in it’s history. This rare astrological event ushers in a powerful and symbolic time with Jupiter and Saturn’s alignment. An event that hasn’t taken place since 1623. This alignment also ushers forth a new 2000 year period – The Age of Aquarius is here.

As humans, we are carbon based electromagnetic units of life made of pure energy at the core of our being. The energies of the solar system and these two planets will affects each one of us individually and collectively in a variety of ways as we close out the book of extremes in 2020.

Previously these two planets were in the earth sign of Capricorn. A sign that kept us focused on material security, or the lack of it and also our tendencies to resist change.

Now as it moves both planets into the sign of Aquarius, the focus will…

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Today’s Learning Curve

Lessons I’ve learned:

The true meaning of “in sickness and in health”. : I have many health issues and throughout the years I have needed to be taken care of. I’m grateful that my boyfriend has always been a wonderful caregiver to me. Now, He is in need of a caregiver and I will always be there for him. Through these interactions I feel that we have become even closer than ever.

Patience is a virtue: Patience with others is a gift for them. People deserve to be treated with patience and love and they are grateful whether they say so or not. Patience with ones self is equally important. There are times that I have become impatient with my own self and say negative things to me. I deserve better. I deserve to have patience with myself. It’s a gift that is much needed for each of us.

Kind words make a difference: Speaking to people with love in your heart is worth more than can be described. We all need to be validated at times and when someone speaks kind words, it lifts us up. It physically brightens our eyes and fills us with a warmness.

Showing Love and saying I love you are two different things: Many people say ‘I love you” automatically without thinking. It’s as common as saying hello or goodbye. Often it loses its meaning because it’s thrown out there so nonchalantly. Showing love doesn’t need the words. Actions give us a feeling deep within and we are left with a knowing of the love from someone else. It took my boyfriend a very long time to tell me that he loves me. To this day, he uses the words sparingly. But, his love comes through each and every day by the way he jokes with me, listens to me, communicates with me. I don’t always need to hear it now. I know it. It is loud and clear.

The small stuff matters: You’ve heard the saying “don’t sweat the small stuff”, I’m sure. And small annoyances shouldn’t be given so much power over us. I’m talking about all the small details in daily life for example, the phone call with my mom every afternoon. We might not have a whole lot to talk about but her voice and her giggling are a treasure that will live with me all of my days.

I was given a gift from my step-daughter for my birthday which was a binder with blank loose leaf pages and dividers with pictures on them. She knows that I like writing so she put together this binder with the intention for me to use the pictures as writing prompts and the blank pages for me to fill my thoughts with. I don’t need expensive gifts when this small gesture gave me the biggest gift of all: The gift of love, understanding and the intention she so caringly put together for me.

My daughter made me a Mother’s day gift: It was a mason jar layered with sand, rocks, tiny baseballs, peanuts, and feathers. She wrapped labels around the top of the jar that stated: Sand, for our winter trips to the beach. Rocks, for the rocky times that make US. Softballs, for all the games you cheered for me. Peanuts, for the hot fudge sundaes we used to get at McDonald’s. Feathers, for the spirit we share and Finally, Dirt, for our trips to Hawk Mountain. My daughter captured our relationship in a mason jar and my heart swells every time I look at it. No, money can’t buy what these tiny gestures have given me. It is in our daily lives that we have so much treasure and sometimes we overlook. Get your microscope out and take a look at today.

Daily routines give us peace: This year has been specifically challenging for everyone because of the pandemic. We have all been thrown out of our routine and we are shaken to the core. It’s kind of nice all of a sudden to have our so-called drudgery routines back in our lives. We actually long for it. At first, it was kind of nice to be at home and not have to go out to work everyday but that got old real fast. We realized that those daily routines did give us a feeling of control and peace. My hope is that humanity begins to appreciate life in a new way. As we come back to our new normal we shouldn’t forget what it felt like to not have that job to go back to or how it felt to communicate in person with others.

There are so many pearls for us to see each and every day. I am still learning and will continue to learn to regroup, slow down and smell the roses. Family, community and physical contact will be looked at in a whole new way and that is a great gift to behold.

The Simmering Inferno

Boyfriend got his surgery and he’s doing quite well. The first 3 days were harrowing to say the least. Step-daughter and I took turns the first night setting up ice machine on and off every hour around the clock. Second and third night, step-daughter took the night shift while I slept and now, finally, he is able to get himself up during the night so we can all sleep. The surgery was friday and today is Thursday. Considernig it’s not even a full week yet, he’s doing great. He had a rotator cuff repair and bicep tendon repaired and moved. Not a simple operation.

He’s been a rock star as far as cooperating with physical therapy and doing his home exercises. I love this man and will do anything for him. But, I’m tired. Considering my health issues it has been hard on me. Honestly, it doesn’t matter, this is what is meant by in sickness and in health. I wouldn’t change a thing except for his one comment made on a very stressful day. We woke up and we were sitting in the kitchen. I made him breakfast and was having my coffee with him when he asked what my plans for the day were. I thought that was kind of strange considering the fact that It is not possible to do anything else right now but take care of him. I looked at him, puzzled and responded with a baffled glance. He continued to explain his question. “Well, I know that you like to clean throughout the day but I was wondering if we could make this a me day.”

Oh Good God! “Excuse me.” My thoughts were darting back and forth through my head in utter disbelief. I tried to remain calm because I didn’t want to go bonkers on a man in his condition. Hmm, I was thinking that every single moment of every single day for the past week was all about him. His daughter hasn’t slept in 3 nights and I am constantly up and down with him all day every day. That kind of sounds like a “me” day to any sane person. I thought for a moment that maybe he had a lapse in memory or a stroke or something radical had changed his thinking process. I shook my head and continued my day. All the while, I was processing the whole “me” day. I started to talk to myself as the day went on. Oh, the simmering had started. An inferno was building, building to a crescendo that I didn’t want to share lest I be thought of as uncaring. I waited until his daughter returned home from work and calmly told her the story. She damn near lost her mind. “I haven’t slept in 3 nights. I can’t believe he said that to you.” My eyes widened as I agreed with her. We settled ourselves and just kept moving along doing the necessary things for him.

The next day, his oldest daughter came to visit and I needed more ice from the store for his ice machine. I asked the two girls if they could run my errands for me because I was completely drained. When they returned, they both had a silly grin on their faces. We ordered dinner and as we sat waiting for it to be delivered, eldest daughter said, “I don’t know, but I sure think today looks like a “me” day.” Youngest daughter started grinning and I knew what they were talking about. Incredibly, boyfriend didn’t quite understand what was going on. Finally, all three of us, the two girls and I, went to town about having a “me” day. Boyfriend realized the situation he had created and tried to double back and explain how, somehow, someway, he was actually looking out for my well being when he asked such an absurd question. We watched him wriggle in his seat and waited for his ridiculous explanation. He said that he was looking out for me because he didn’t want me to get burned out by cleaning and taking care of him all in the same day. I do believe that it is normal for a caretaker to also clean up the kitchen after cooking and straighten up the house to keep things in order on a daily basis. It keeps things moving at a manageable pace. Oh, silly me. He was talking about a “me” day for me. HAHAHAHA, sorry not buying it.

Thankfully, we all were able to laugh at the ridiculousness of such a statement. At least he realized, thanks to the girls, that he lost his mind and made a dire mistake saying something like that to his caretaker. I always warn him to be careful when he says stupid things because, “I prepare your food.”

What’s Stress Got to Do With It?

My boyfriend is having surgery in the coming days. He was injured almost a year ago and we have been waiting patiently for this surgery. Covid got in the way and so here we are at this late date finally scheduled for surgery. To say that this is stressful is an understatement. The last week has been off the charts. He’s more anxious about getting everything in line before the surgery. He needs clearance from different doctors. What was expected to be an easy transition has turned into an eleventh hour situation once again. In these Covid times it’s hard to get things done. I think many people are working from home so that makes it difficult to communicate properly within the medical system.

I find myself trying to keep him calm and stress free. It’s not working too well. I act like I have it all together and tell him not to worry. I think I have it all together but last night I did something that made me realize that I have misplaced my mind. Before I went to bed, I made sure to dust the living room tables. We have glass tables and you can see every bit of dust. It drives me crazy, as I sit there watching television I get distracted by the dust on the tables. Yes, I know. I can hear your voice as you reply that I must be nuts. Who watches dust? Anyway, I finished wiping everything, closed up the house and headed for the bedroom with the dust rag in hand. My clothes hamper is in the bathroom so I headed straight in there to throw the rag in and go to the bathroom while I was in there. I finished going to the bathroom and was about ready to flush when I realized that instead of throwing the rag in the hamper, I threw it in the toilet. I kid you not. I can’t make this stuff up. As I realized what I had done, I stood there shaking my head. Of course I had a new problem to handle. You know, geting the wire hanger and twisting it up so I could retrieve the disgusting rag. Yes, I did the gruesome deed, scrunching my nose up the entire time. I guess you could say that maybe I am stressed out too. This is not my idea of calm relaxation before bed.

I finally got in bed and did my nightly ritual of doing what I call my gratefuls. I list all the particular things that I am grateful for from the day. Then I sent all my prayers out for those individuals in my life that needed some loving intent. Finally, I meditated and fell asleep.

It all sounds so peaceful and it was. You would think that I didn’t have a worry in the world. I felt that I had given it all over to God. I find myself awake at 4:30 am thinking about what I have to say in order to get the clearance from one particular doctor. My mind begins to race so finally I got out of bed only to look out the glass sliding door and see the clearest sky above. The quarter moon shining bright and the planet closest to her shining right along. I’m reminded that my Holy Spirit is with me always. There are things that are out of my control but they will take care of themselves. Gazing up to the sky, I gasp at the beauty and grace of the moon and stars. I realize how blessed I am.

God’s Promise

Sitting here today looking at a blank page. I wonder what’s going to come up from within. You never know what will tickle your fancy when you’re sitting alone waiting for whatever. Could it be the 85 pound Rhodesian Ridgeback that doesn’t want me on the computer, laying his head on my lap and pawing at me? Maybe! Or, could it be the background voices of household occupants talking on the phone or listening to music? I never know what’s coming so I’m going to sit here and wait.

Boyfriend and I went out this morning, picked up a bagel and coffee and went down to the dock by the bay. It rained all day yesterday so everything was completely flooded. There was a fine mist from the moving storm as it exited our vicinity. As the sun started to break through the clouds, out came a rainbow. Everytime I see a rainbow I whisper to myself, “God’s promise”. No matter how old a person gets, it’s very exciting to see a rainbow. It lifts us up to enchanting heights. It is pretty profound that a prism of colors can have that capability. It’s called hope and it’s there right in front of us, ripe for the taking. Never underestimate the power of hope. It’s in the little moments of our daily living where we can find everything we need to carry on in positivity.

So many people these days are losing hope because of the pandemic, politics, rioting and complete stupidity. My advice, “Slow your roll everyone.” Take a deep breath and breathe in the colors of the rainbow. Close your eyes and feel its’ magnificence. Become one person, not a mob. Become your most positive self, not what you think others want to see. One person, one moment, one step at a time will get us all where we should be in this human race.

And, there you have it. A blank page just became a post because of a simple rainbow. It is really that simple. Humans usually get in their own way. We can achieve greatness if only we slow down and look at the rainbows.

The Green, Green Grass of Home

Picture this is you will: A spring and summer of a pandemic. Everyone quarantined to their homes. Oh so bored we all are. In my home, I have an alien believer roaming the halls. “They’re coming back I tell ya.” These are the echoes I hear in my sleep. All the neighbors constantly teasing him about how aliens don’t want to come to earth because of our craziness. Oh, how he longs for his unearthly friends to appear.

The quest began. Boyfriend was obsessed with his new project. The front lawn must be better. The grass isn’t good. It’s all crabgrass. They’ll never return to me it’s all crabgrass. The research began on youtube. Day after day he was hard at his studies looking for the perfect solution. After weeks of deliberation he found the one thing that would kill the enemy. He had obtained the knowledge that no other average homeowner had ever dreamed of. Then came the day when he was finally willing to push the button. The submit order button. He broke a sweat as the credit card was charged but he knew this was going to be the greatest solution ever. The product came and I warned him that if he was going to spend the money, he was going to have to adhere to the directions. I gave him warning in advance. He couldn’t sleep for a few nights because the conditions were not right with the temperature of the earth. He lost so much sleep and then it happened. The weather got a little cooler, it was dry. It was time. He mixed up the solution and measured so diligently. He was ready with his 2 gallon pump sprayer and off he went. He was in his glory out there, spraying every inch of the front lawn. He came in the house afterward and said, “Now we wait.”

It took 3 weeks of painstakingly waiting. We didn’t even start to see results until about 10 days in. The crabgrass started to turn lighter by the day. By the end of the third week our yard was completely white which meant it was dead. It also meant that he was right all along about the yard. It definitely wasn’t good enough for the aliens to return.

More research followed. Day in and day out he researched to find the perfect fertilizer and grass seed. These box stores wouldn’t do because that’s what youtube said. So once again, after agonizing, he pushed the submit order button. I’m sure that I am not telling you anything new about slow shipping here in the U.S. in the last couple of months. OMG, every day he asked me if the order shipped yet as he bit his nails down to stubs. Finally, the magic potion arrived and he impetiously went outside and put down the fertilier and grass seed. We waited with a microscope every day, searching for the little sprouts of grass. YES! It finally appeared. He was sure that his lawn would finally be pleasing to the aliens.

Two weeks in, he noticed a neighbor on the same quest as he. We watched what the neighbor was doing to his lawn. He couldn’t have found the same secret we did, could he? Oh, silly man, he bought his potion from the box stores. Haha, it’s never gonna work. But, we learned a new trick from the silly man on the corner that day. He was now a smart man because he had a thatcher machine. It digs in the ground and picks up old grass clippings that smother the soil and keep your grass from getting through. And, go!!! Gotta have one of those. He did finally concede that he should have done that first. Maybe because he didn’t do enough research. I don’t know. Next up, buy a thatcher. Thatcher came and there he was tearing up the lawn, yes the new successfully growing lawn that we just spent all this money on for the perfect solution. Oh well, we had more fertilizer and grass seed so why not. What do we have to lose? My sanity for one and money for two.

After starting over and going through the whole process again, we watered and waited and watered and waited. And, it came to fruition. We now have a beautiful green plush lawn. I’m sure the aliens will come back now. But wait, there’s patches of crabgrass still. He must have missed them when he was creating the killing field. Well, we have tons of the magic solution left so let’s spray it again. Yes, it happened. Now I have white patches spread across the lawn and he will once again fertilize and seed before the winter comes.

But, there are those who believe that this whole time he was preparing the yard for the aliens to know where he lives. They believe that he was making crop circles in the front lawn to be sure that they came here. Yes, it’s true, they look like crop circles the more I look at them. Now, I’m afraid to look out my window at night. I’m afraid of the bright light coming out of the sky and I’m afraid of watching my beloved being levitated from our home to the mother ship.

All Boxed Up

It’s a new day. Where did all the days go? I’ve lost track of time just like everyone else. It’s funny how the concept of time has changed for us all through this year. All of a sudden time has become meaningless. The constructs have changed.

In all of this time quarantined at home, somewhat in a box, we have had to redefine our relationships with others living there. It has been an adventure to say the least. The television has been on non-stop, not my choice because I love silence. But, silence has found a new home. I don’t know where but it sure as hell isn’t here. Oh how I miss my silent time. That’s where I connected with my soul, my God. There’s always movement, noise in this house now. I need stillness and silence for just a little while. Meditation has been very limited for me. The closest I have come to that is walking through the house humming “OM”. The stares that come from household occupants reminds me that obviously these people are not on the same plane as I. I do come close to meditation state by listening to my beloved, John Denver. I truly feel closer to God when I hear his songs. They seem like prayers to me and I find myself looking to the sky, feeling a sense of release.

To be fair, boyfriend has been out of work for a year because he got injured. It’s been hard on him not being able to be physically active and living in a routine every day. I get it. We try to do things outside every day. The sunshine and fresh air bring a refreshing aspiration to our life. Putting aside the television and constant noise, we have found a new level of intimacy by sharing every aspect of our day together. We have had many profound conversations and have come to a deeper connection. It truly has been a blessing to be boxed up with my soulmate.

In retrospect, I believe this year is just a resetting of society, time constructs, and value of home and family. I have the expectation that after all the turmoil, humanity will reset itself and take us to a higher plane. I will never give up on humanity no matter what the news shows us. I believe that most people are good. Sometimes people get caught up in mob mentality. Everyone needs love and most people want to share love. Never mind the minor inconveniences of being quarantined, wearing a mask or not being able to go to certain places. Love! Love! Love! It’s a tool we all carry, why not use it? Share it, Care it, Receive it.